glum

I've been having a really hard time getting out of bed lately. It's not so bad when I work at 10 or 11 am, because obviously I have to get up, in the last little while I've had a lot of days off and night shifts. It's not that I'm particularly tired or anything (although I stay up until around 2 or 3 am), I just kind of lay there and stare out at my room and don't feel like moving.

It's weird, it hasn't even been that cold lately, but I'm really worried this winter depression shit is creeping up again. I've been having more than the usual fights with my body, I can be bothered to clean my room, I've been sleeping in super late, and I haven't made any plans to spend time with people. Four good friends of mine left the city yesterday, and I didn't make any effort to go and say goodbye.

I feel like as long as I'm recognizing the changes in my behaviour, then I'll be able to help myself out a little, but I'm still scared. Last night I scrubbed down the shower and bath tub (I don't want to talk about it), did all the dishes, and went and bought healthy groceries (fruit, veggies, keffir!!!).

I was out of bed today before the noon cannon (which is my usual marker for whether I'm wasting my day or not) and made myself a smoothie for breakfast (seriously, peach keffir. mango. vanilla almond milk!). I don't work until 5pm, so I'm going to try to be as productive as possible before then. In addition to cleaning my room and working on some art, I think I'm going to go sign up for a gym membership. I remember working out used to make me happy, but I'm also scared that it wasn't so much the endorphine rush as it was managing to burn off more calories than I'd eaten that day.

I seriously have no idea how to be healthy, in mind or body.