I'm both anxious and excited for the show tomorrow night. I know it's going to be a lot of fun, but I've been stressed and weird lately so I hope I can enjoy it.

Last year our New Year's show was amazing, and because of it I met some wonderful new friends from Massachusetts, but I actually had a really fucking terrible time. I guess I drank too much too quickly and decided that the only way I could get over being totally heart broken was to hear that person tell me that he didn't love me, and that we'd never be together. While I assumed it wasn't much of a request, he told me that he "couldn't lie". That was not at all what I wanted to hear (especially from someone who repeatedly told me they didn't want to play "head games") and I was totally devastated for the rest of the night.

I certainly don't expect anything like that to happen again, but I can't help but feel haunted by it.

This year there's no drinking and no ultimatums, but I am playing a set with a band that never practices or plays shows anymore, and I have to work until "close", and I have no idea when that is. I'm going to miss most of the show I'm helping host, and it's a piss off.

While things have definitely been tough for me over the last little while, I'm not a total bummer (as I feel my updates might imply).

For example, I decided to keep track of every hitchhiking ride I got in 2010, and since I'm not planning on thumbing it anywhere in the next 24 hours, it looks like the final number is 61. I was in 61 different strange vehicles this year over 8 different trips of varying lengths and distances. I'd say that's pretty decent! I've been having a lot of dreams about trains lately, but I still really really love to hitch hike. My parents get really worried and I completely understand why, but I've had such wonderful experiences that it's really hard for me to feel like I'm doing something dangerous. I can't wait for the days to get longer and the cold wind to fuck off so I can get on the road again. Having said, my pen pal in Richmond, Virginia told me in a letter today that you can get a bus from Toronto to RVA for $40. Super tempting.

Also, even though at this moment I'm still missing them, people I'm fond of are back in the city, and I have plans to make pumpkin waffles shaped like lions tomorrow morning.

tippy tower

I find it ironic that on the same day I'm given an amazing new camera by a close friend, two other close friends tell me that I'm a lousy photographer, that the last two years worth of photos I've taken might as well not exist.

I was going to turn this into a photo blog in the new year, and post at least one picture every single day. After last night, I figured I'd just give up and stop taking photos all together.

Right now I'm sort of back to square one, where I'm going to try to figure out this new camera (it was given to me because it's broken. there's some loose connections and the lens is stuck zoomed in a little), but from now on be extra careful about the pictures I choose to share with people.

Today I fucked around with the new camera during a game of Jenga with Cory, Ryley, Matt, Jawsh, Sonny, Kelly, Birdee, and Cud. The focus is really finicky, but I like the colours on this camera much more.

Thanks, Cory.

p.s. upon further review, the thumbnails for the pictures look really shitty and compressed. I'd recommend clicking-through to the larger size.

I haven't been out of bed all day.

Being so sick you can't eat or sleep is a CRUEL HOLIDAY JOKE.

I'm 22, and I'm still getting temporary tattoos in my stocking.
At least it's been a while since the days of getting a sparkly pink candle in the shape of the word "PUNK", but sometimes I feel like that's still how my parents see me.

I found this quote on Petrushka B's tumblr. I feel like there are lot of people I wish I could explain this to, who just can't understand why someone with good friends, a good home and a good family could be depressed.

"People think depression is about being sad. They think it’s just when you ‘feel down’. It’s not. It’s like a darkness that creeps over you and fills you. It drains all your emotions. It takes everything from you, and leaves you feeling hollow and numb. It’s not sadness, it’s not anger, it’s hopelessness. Imagine waking up and there being no color. Walking outside and feeling no wind. Eating a meal and tasting nothing. Holding someone and feeling completely alone at the same time. When you’re depressed, it’s not a bad mood. It’s a numb, empty, hollowness that seems to never leave. It’s feeling alone in a room full of people. You feel like there’s no hope left"

Yesterday after work I finally got my garlic tattoo coloured in. It looks lovely, but we're not quite sure if it's finished, just going to let it heal up for now. Let me tell you, getting your arm tattooed in the winter is a stupid move! Putting on sweaters really hurts! I suppose tattooing any part of your body that gets cold is a bad move in the winter. From now on, spring and summer tattoos only.

After the tattoo, I walked a couple blocks up North street to go to a christmas party for work. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't really that fun. Everyone there has known eachother forever and knew eachother's partners and they all have pretty similar lifestyles. I felt like such a black sheep showing up late with my arm all bandaged up and my secret santa gift wrapped in newspaper and packing tape.

We ate fancy hors d'oeuvres and everyone got progressively drunker and louder. After we exchanged gifts I booked it out of there, got home around 10:30 and went right to bed.

Now I have another entire week off work. I don't think I have enough hours now to qualify for holiday pay.

Sharpie pens are just the worst! I'm so frustrated!

analogue

A mix tape I'm working on. Someone is going to get this in the mail!

Jae and I were busking earlier this week, and this young hipster-y couple walked by and dropped two little monthly comics into (onto) our case. I never really liked monthly comics, but they're perfect for collage. Especially when they have ridiculous text.

FINALLY

Winter time on Cornwallis street!

p.s. just noticed that the colours in the photos match the color scheme for the blog. Weird! Convenient!

p.p.s. Totally got out of bed at 11:45. Big time fail. I did, however, have a really disturbing dream so I'm cutting myself some slack.

Ok, so I didn't clean my room, but I did draw a kind of spooky picture and figured out a Broken Social Scene song on the banjo. A fair trade, I think.

I'm making a promise to myself right now that I'm going to be out of bed by 10am tomorrow (today). That's not even that unreasonable.

glum

I've been having a really hard time getting out of bed lately. It's not so bad when I work at 10 or 11 am, because obviously I have to get up, in the last little while I've had a lot of days off and night shifts. It's not that I'm particularly tired or anything (although I stay up until around 2 or 3 am), I just kind of lay there and stare out at my room and don't feel like moving.

It's weird, it hasn't even been that cold lately, but I'm really worried this winter depression shit is creeping up again. I've been having more than the usual fights with my body, I can be bothered to clean my room, I've been sleeping in super late, and I haven't made any plans to spend time with people. Four good friends of mine left the city yesterday, and I didn't make any effort to go and say goodbye.

I feel like as long as I'm recognizing the changes in my behaviour, then I'll be able to help myself out a little, but I'm still scared. Last night I scrubbed down the shower and bath tub (I don't want to talk about it), did all the dishes, and went and bought healthy groceries (fruit, veggies, keffir!!!).

I was out of bed today before the noon cannon (which is my usual marker for whether I'm wasting my day or not) and made myself a smoothie for breakfast (seriously, peach keffir. mango. vanilla almond milk!). I don't work until 5pm, so I'm going to try to be as productive as possible before then. In addition to cleaning my room and working on some art, I think I'm going to go sign up for a gym membership. I remember working out used to make me happy, but I'm also scared that it wasn't so much the endorphine rush as it was managing to burn off more calories than I'd eaten that day.

I seriously have no idea how to be healthy, in mind or body.

Ghost Boners

Tonight I drew. I can't be bothered to investigate this "scanner" situation, so instead I took pictures of my sketchbook with my shitty built-in webcam. Punx!

Last night I was walking home from a FLAP (Feminist League for Agitation Propaganda) potluck with Molly and Nik. As we walked by the Paragon (semi-obnoxious bar/club near my house), we realized that instead of the regular group of schwasted party-goers there was, in fact, a bunch of roller derby girls hanging around outside. Since when does Halifax have roller derby?!? Anyway, Molly and I (having spent the evening drinking wine and hot toddies and talking about sex with feminists) were so stoked on the derby girls that we got boners. Invisible, girl-boners! GHOST BONERS! We decided to start a punk band called Ghost Boner (earlier in the night I also suggested starting an all-lady punk band called The Nuns, but I don't think anyone was super keen on it).

So tonight, I drew myself and Molly, ghost boners and all. Is this NSFW? Somehow I doubt it. Besides, who do I know that actually has a job? (other that you, Cory)

The text reads: "Rosie & Molly are stoked about their GHOST BONERS"

Slightly more close up, hopefully the invisible boners are more visible.

This blog went from 0 to 10 11 boners in one post! Wow!

p.s. It should be noted that both Molly and I should be dressed head to toe in black, but that gets boring. Also, I have a little pen. Use your imagination.

downswing

Fucking winter.

I took the time today to finish lightening my hair. It's done, it's the colour I want it to be, it's nothing like any hair I've ever had.

Cory asked me to post a photo when it was done, but I actually can't bring myself to take a picture and post it. I took about 5, and deleted them all. Sorry, Sea, you'll have to wait and see it in person.

Not stoked! NOT STOKED!

Can I please have back my body from December 2006?

Please?

H Dub

If anyone is ever on a hunt for a cute kitten, one need look no further than my bedroom window.

xHoneyxWheatx and I had a bit of a photo shoot this morning, wanna take a look?

*Edited to add bonus pictures of Ruckus and Honey Wheat "grooming":

piss and comics

Someone told me once that every smell has an opposite smell that completely counters it.

They also told me that the exact opposite smell for dead bodies is cinnamon.

Anyone want to hazard a guess on what the opposite smell is for cat piss? Cause it sure as hell ain't an ill-gotten vanilla candle.

In other news, I turned the desk in my room into a functional work space. For the last couple months a totally defunct desktop computer was taking up the entire thing, so I did what any sensible person would do - I threw it into my ridiculously large closet so I can forget about it.

Now I've got a spot for my laptop that gets great internet reception, and I can hook up my computer speakers (which I found in my ridiculously large closet! who knew! maybe I did at one point, but since forgot!). This means I've spent the last few hours downloading, listening to internet radio, collaging, and trying to draw comics. I guess I'm trying to find my style or something, I don't know. I want to draw comics, but I keep getting hung up on shit like "Pupils or no pupils? Elbows or no elbows? How can I make this look less like anime and more like real life? How do I make myself look fat but not pregnant?". It's tougher than I expected. I really just want to be the next Liz Prince or Jeffery Brown, but I think I'm way too much of a perfectionist, and I'm having a hard time simplifying things.

Apparently we have a scanner now? Maybe I'll do some sketches and put them up here, y'all can tell me what you think.

Consent

OH YEAH.

in 4 days, I'm leading a circle of roughly 50 young women (aged 12-18) on sexual politics and consent.

I'm both terrified and elated.

What do you wish you had been told when you were in highschool?

Lately

Lots has been going on these days, and I've been pretty stoked about everything.

Last year I was so ready to have an amazing winter and not let seasonal depression (I kinda hate the "SAD" acronym, it seems really belittling) get to me. Despite my best efforts my heart was broken into itty bitty pieces and I spent the entire winter feeling like I was drowning in tar.

THIS YEAR, however, I'm confident. Things are going great.

Over to the right there, you might notice some rather cute folks (Steve, Matt, Jawsh, and Ryley) hanging out with a monstrous blueberry. This is from when Mistake Makers went on "tour" to Moncton, NB. We're going places (haha)! We played at the Paramount with our friends, The Fuckin' Gummi Bears and another group that I think was called Black Tape. The Gummi Bears were fucking awesome, it's so rare that bands make me want to dance, especially at bars. I can't wait for these guys to tour and release some shit. Black Tape was all right, but their bass player was like, the epitome of the kind of person I would never want to hang out with. We spent the night at Josue's (bass player for the Gummi Bears), and as always he was a perfect host.

The next day we drove back to Halifax, and Steve and I had a really nice date night. Even though I work in a restaurant that's like, middling to high fanciness, I'm not used to going out. Also considering the fact that most of my friends/partners are unemployed dirty skids, traditional dates don't come up often.

We had Thai food and went and played chess at Paper Chase (the picture is of my king being completely fucked over. It was humiliating.).

Steve is great. This morning I accompanied him (and my room mate, Sonny) to the airport, and by now he's probably back in Edmonton. He's back home for the next 3 1/2 weeks, which is a bit of a bummer but really not that bad. There's so much happening this month that I don't really have time to miss him (that sounds like an asshole thing to say). Christmas is fucking soon, and I need to start crafting my ass off if I'm going to be anything short of a delinquent this year. I only work around 15 hours a week, so I really don't have any disposable income.

I am, however, going to be starting a new batch of homebrew this week, possibly even tonight. The idea was to have beer ready for our New Years Eve show, but I think it might be a little too late. Kelly and Ryley will both have beers ready, so that should be enough. I want to make something with maple in it, and right now I'm looking at a maple-pumpkin ale, which I think would be really nice to have around once it starts getting snowy and windy and shitty.

(Kelly & Sonny, in this year's only snow fall a couple weeks ago.)