Hey girl, you're the prettiest thing I've seen all day. That smile looks good on you.

The above comment was directed towards me last week as I was walking home from busking downtown. I was kind of deep in thought, so I didn't have time to react the way I normally do to cat-calling: with disgust. I was caught off guard, threw him a quick smile and mumbled "Thanks".

After walking a few steps, I realised what had happened and was surprised at myself. Actually, I think I was more surprised at the fact that the man had said anything to me at all.

Back when I was in highschool, that kind of event was much more common. I used to get shouted at, honked at, hit on in bars, whatever. But things have changed since then. Recovering from my eating disorder means I've gained a significant amount of weight, but becoming more comfortable with my self and having amazing support from wonderful people means I've been better equipped to handle it. I'm gradually getting closer to genuinely liking my body, but it's a long fuckin' road.

Sometimes I feel like I willingly descend into "ugliness". There are times when I look at myself in the mirror and am repulsed by what I see, but somehow I find it satisfying. Maybe this is me seeking empowerment? I don't know, maybe I'm trying to strike a balance between looking the way I want, and liking the way I look.

I can't really decide what I want more, to be ultimately happy with however I look, or to finally achieve the sort of appearance I've been striving for. It's really fucking tough.

Whichever one gives me more confidence, the better. Honestly, I think my discomfort with my body is holding me back from having the kind of relationships I want to have with people. I'm still very guarded and shy most of the time, and don't take many risks at all. It fucking sucks.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I didn't get offended when that man spoke to me on the street, but after 9 months of being single, pretty lonely, and feeling rather down on myself, I was flattered.