Granted, this friend of mine is 17 (I think?), is still in high school, and lives at home with his parents, but seriously. Like, every night he's either getting angry calls from his mom or calling her every 20 minutes or so, reassuring her that he'll be home soon or pleading with her to understand that it's fucking pouring outside and his bike is broken.
We had a little talk about his relationship with his parents before his dad eventually came and picked him up. I must say, I've lived away from home long enough that I can't tell if his parents are actually oppressive, overbearing assholes or if he's just going through normal teenage resentment.
I had to keep stopping myself from saying things like "I'm sure they're just worried about you" and "They nag you because they care about you" and "You're growing up and they're terrified and don't know how to 'parent' except by enforcing rules.". I actually believe those statements, but I know that every time someone said something along those lines to me when I was in high school, I wanted to rip their fucking eyes out. How could anyone POSSIBLY understand what I was going through? My parents were evil tyrants and I HATED them and couldn't wait to grow up and get out of there.
These days I have an excellent relationship with my parents. I don't really know when it started, but it very well could be due to the fact that I don't live with them anymore. Also, I think at some point I stopped thinking of them as just "parents", and started to think of them as people as well. People that are flawed and pained and scared because being a parent is a BIG fucking responsibility. Since then I've been able to interact with my mother in a much simpler and pleasant way. We enjoy each other's company and long as we don't spend too much time together. Every now and then she'll make a comment about how the fact that I'm an anarchist "wounds" her or she'll burst into tears over the fact that I'm not "over that 'dread' thing" or that I don't...like...Canada. But I'll calmly explain my position and try to explain to her my lifestyle and point of view, and when that doesn't get me anywhere we'll watch some George Clooney movie and eat pizza and everything is just peachy.
Also, my dad is cool as dirt. He may be a 64 yr old New Democratic Albertan, but inside he's
punk as fuck and is going to bring the total destroy. (Wooo, go Jim go)
Even though over the years there has been many screaming matches, many tears, many slammed doors and broken hearts, I know that my parents are good people and they really love their kids and I think they've done a damn fine job on raising the 3 of us (we may all be fucking useless when it comes to financial independence but at least none of us want to be cops!)
I am definitely extremely lucky. I know there are horrible people out there that should not have kids, and I know all too well that most young people are not taken seriously enough. There is a good chance that my friend's parents are actually total jerks. This kid (and I totally use kid as a term of endearment, it really has nothing to do with his age. My friends pushing 30 are also "kids") is a super-talented musician. He plays fiddle, banjo, guitar, bass, has a good voice and recently picked up the mandolin. He plays in two super popular bands in our scene, but from what I can tell not only do his parents not support his musical endeavors, they're actively discouraging him! The only time they've heard his main musical project (part of 9+ piece folk punk super-cuties Buy Nothing Life) was this one time where they were on the local university radio station, and they didn't like it. Dude, I wasn't even IN a band when I was 17, but if my parents actually told me they didn't like what I was doing I would have been super fucking crushed.
There also seems to be an issue of his parents not liking the group of friends he has now. Granted, we do tend to get him rather drunk on occasion, but if I had met the group of friends I have now when I was in high school then I would have been saved a lot of grief and I honestly believe the support network I would have had would have prevented me from being in so many damaging relationships and experiencing such crippling depression.
I don't know if anything is really good enough for parents. You can never be home early enough, in bed early enough, and your friends are always going to be no good losers in the eyes of mom and dad. What I mean to say is that I don't think you can really change them. Some day they'll realize that their kid turned out fine and they can stop stressing (as much). The trick here is to make sure the child doesn't suffer too much damage before this happens.
I want to be supportive of my younger friends, but I'm afraid of appearing patronizing. I don't want to just blindly agree with them that their parents are in fact jerks and they should undermine them at every opportunity. I want to reassure them that it's just going to take time for their parents to realize that they're being productive and they're happy, but I don't know how to get that across without seeming insensitive. I'm sure I'll find a balance.
But you know deep down I just want to go over to his house and be all like "Hi! I'm 22, I drink a lot, I don't shave ANYTHING, I'm unemployed, I hate cops, I stink to high heaven and I TOTALLY kissed your son at a party.
BOO!"
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