In which Riot discusses sexual abuse. May be triggering.

I do not have a healthy relationship with sex.
I think a big part of that is not having a healthy relationship with my body. I don't like my body, and so if I don't like my own body, then I can't really expect anyone else to like it. The way I saw things for a long time was if someone liked my body, then they must have liked me. And if someone liked my body enough to have sex with me, then they must have REALLY liked me, possibly even loved me.
This is fucked up. In my desperate and panicked search for love and acceptance, sex became something of a marker. I was too eager and too ready to sleep with people, because in my mind that meant that we must have something special.
In addition to having too much sex way too young (and suffering the consequences thereof), I was having the wrong kind of sex. Non-consensual, objectifying, oppresive, FUCKED UP sex. I wasn't just letting people treat me like shit, but I felt worthless if it wasn't happening.

I've only in the past year started to really come to terms with how damaging some of my sexual relationship have been, one in particular. I talked to some friends, contemplated a lot of shit, and then eventually worked up the guts to confront my ex-partner. He manipulated me in so many ways that I don't even know which, if any, parts of our relationship were genuine.
I knew that waking up to him having sex with me (more than once) was fucked up. I knew that him crying until I either fucked him or said I loved him (or both) was fucked up. I knew that his jealousy, his controling nature, and his nymphomania were all things that I couldn't deal with, but I kept going back to him and therefore couldn't blame him.

And then I cheated on him. I then believed (and he firmly encouraged the idea) that because I had betrayed his trust and hurt him, the things he did to me weren't really so bad afterall, and I didn't have a leg to stand on.

So over a year after he and I stopped seeing eachother, I made a plan and asked him to have a conversation with me. I sat him down and told him very calmly and respectfully that while we had been together he had been sexually and emotionally abusive and manipulative. I told him how I had felt at the time and how I'd felt since. I bared my soul and said out loud in real words that I had been a survivor of sexual abuse and my abuser was the first one to hear it.
How did he respond?

"I'm sorry, but you never supported me."

He then went and flipped the conversation around to focus on the fact that I had left him for someone else and had most likely been unfaithful to him. I was so surprised at his shitty response that all I could do was admit that yes, I had slept with someone else while we'd been together, and then someone came out to where we were talking so we agreed to continue the conversation another time.

We never picked up where we left off. Oh sure, we've talked since, and we've touch on the fact that he's had fucked up relationships with women, but we haven't returned to talking about us, and now I just don't know if I can anymore.
It took so much to be able to look him in the face and tell him what he did to me, and to have him dismiss it like that was fucking unreal.

Tonight our community had a talk about sexual politics and consent. Every time he opened his mouth, every time he NODDED I wanted to point at him and scream out everything he's done. There were a few people present who knew the situation and were very supportive, but the whole night my skin was crawling. The shitty part is that I'm glad he was there, I think that's the kind of shit he needs to listen to and be aware of and work on, but I don't trust him. I wouldn't put it past him to believe that he's already fine and was there as more of an administrator and advisor.

He sent me a message once I got home, thanking me for attending and admitting that obviously the talk rang a lot of bells for us. He said that if I ever wanted to talk to him that he was more than willing but I don't know what to say. I don't know if I have it in my anymore.

I know that I have a better outlook on sex. I feel like I could recognize unhealthy situations a lot better now (especially if I was actually having sex, or had had sex within the past 5 months) but I'm still scared that I'm going to fall into old ways of thinking. I'm certainly not at a healthier place with my body, so who knows what kind of hold that has on my sexuality.

I guess we'll find out?