In which Riot tries to gather her thoughts long enough to make sense and structure of them

Ok, so this is kind of weird.
Not any one thing in particular, but pretty much my entire situation right now is a weird one. Maybe not to someone else, but I feel like I'm off my game. Not that it was such a great game to begin with, however.
I just don't feel like myself, and I've been trying to sort out what that means. When you're used to yourself, you understand certain actions and your emotions are easier to sort out.
This doesn't make a fuck of sense.
How do I put this.
I have no idea who I am or what I'm doing!
I feel like I'm finally start to live the kind of life that I want/should have, but now that I'm here I can't make sense of it.
I'm making music. A LOT of music. The fingers on my left hand are actually swollen from the amount of mandolin I've been playing. We finished recording our album yesterday. I broke a string today. Didn't I say I wanted to grow up to be a rockstar? I guess a fairly popular folk busker is kind of like being a rock star. It's probably as close as I'll get.
I just got back from a month long tour with a really good band that I have an incredibly minimal part in. I honestly feel like I got away with something by being on tour with them and that the only thing they really gained from having me around was another driver. Self depricating, I know, but it's more like everyone else was so amazing that it was really hard to keep up.
This tour....affected me. A lot. Usually when I travel I have a really amazing time, but really can't wait to get home. This time I was dreading coming back to Halifax.
I love Halifax so much, and I really can't see myself living anywhere else, but I guess I just wasn't ready to see it again.
I'm going to go ahead and say that it was probably because I wasn't ready to see Laurie again, and that being in another country and swooning over someone else was really really refreshing! The trip definitely helped me get over Laurie. I didn't have to see him for three weeks!
But now I'm back and he's around and even though it's so much easier to relate to him and be his friend it's still really hard not to fall for him all over again. It just makes me want to keep running away.
So I just keep taking little trips out of the city and keep thinking little thoughts about someone who's far away and worrying a little more every day about not having a job.
Weird weird weird.