In which Riot takes the first step toward recovery by admitting she procrastinates

Well that didn't quite work out now, did it?
I'm such a Tigger. I always start things with such zeal and then let it all fall to bits.
Maybe I'm just a shitty writer? I mean, of course I'm a shitty writer, and here's your proof. But maybe I'm just not meant to log this shit away? I'm a shitty photographer, too.

My entire universe has shifted in the past few months, and it's not even close to done yet. Maybe that's what life is supposed to be like - constantly getting tugged out from under your feet, and then you've got to scurry to stay on top of it, otherwise you get taken for a ride. Not that I feel completely side-swiped by recent events, some of them have been quite amazing! In fact, I truely feel that despite all the suffering I've felt this winter/spring, I am I happier person and there is very little I would change.

The plan is to take off in 2 weeks. I've given my notice at the best job I've ever had, I'm leaving my first apartment, my loving parents, and now the best damn group of friends I've ever had.

Am I fucking crazy?

Yes. And I plan on getting much crazier this summer. I want to push myself to the limit and actually EXIST in this world and feel alive and like maybe life isn't just a bunch of shit that we put ourselves through because we're too afraid to die.

One of the weirder parts is that I was excited to go off and live a new life in a new city and become a responsible adult and go to school and maybe get a job where I have to appear and behave according to someone else's standards to get a lot of money, but in a flash that's all become such an obviously crap goal! I want to go and make friends and breath air coming out of trees I've never seen before and make music and make art and do everything on my own terms.

And then I want to come back.
No, I have to come back. So many people just itch to get away from their home town so they can go somewhere "better". Maybe the reason that I stuck around here for my entire 21+ years is because there is no "better"! This is "best"! No only is it an amazing place to call home, but it's like an awesomeness magnet, and the most wonderful people in the world are coming and building and sharing and staying and HOW COULD I LEAVE THIS FOREVER?

I feel inspired and encouraged and admired and challenged and eager. And I feel love! Instead of me running away from my neuroses and fear and insecurities, I'm now prepared to go off and adventure and learn, and then bring back everything I'll gather for my friends. Extend the magnet of awesomeness to the far reaches of this country, and then reel it all back in.

Mmm.

In which Riot explores an eating disorder and how to gain control of the reins

Black coffee, vegetables cooked in water, the white of one egg, a veggie dog.
My self-deprecation manifests itself in ways that are so familiar to me. I get fed up with myself, and go about making what would appear to be healthy choices, but underneath it all it's the same game of numbers and numbness.
I start wearing long, flowing skirts. Not because I've finally decided to act my gender, but because jeans are too telling, and fuck if the ones I own even fit me right now.
Your average human improves upon itself in the summer. They become fit through activity, energy, low appetite. For me, the summer is a time of indulgence and apathy. I get lost in the world around me, and by the time I finally start to look back at myself I am sorely disappointed by what I've been reduced to.
The winter months are where I get my act together. I don't have blue skies to gaze into, I only have myself. My four walls bounce my attentions back on me, and I can't hide.
What the fuck good does it do me to be thin in the winter? When I'm covered in sweaters and blankets and locked away from everyone? It's an unfortunate cycle, and for some reason I feel that this final realization and recognition of this pattern will do me absolutely no good.
Of course, it's not like I want to stop the cycle, I just want to shift it around. Maybe I'll actually accomplish it this time. Maybe I'll finally get a grasp on myself.
I've been thinking a lot about self-exploration, understanding, and expression. I tend to ignore my own being and become absorbed in others. Cory is a perfect example of this. I'm so infatuated with him, that he completely occupies my thoughts. I think about his hair, his skin, his figure. Why would I want to think about myself when I could think about someone so wonderful?
For the past while, I've considered myself to have a much healthier outlook on life, but what if I'm completely wrong, and I've just been stewing in my own ignorance once again?
Cory is definitely the best thing to happen in my life in a long time. I've never been so understood, so respected, and able to communicate so freely. Maybe I've been taking this wonderful new energy for granted, and I've been using it the wrong way for the last 2 months.
Not that I want to use him, but I feel like he could really help me, if I knew how to be helped.
My biggest problem is that at this point, I'm not willing to sacrifice losing weight, and I don't know if I'll ever be healthy if that's the case.
Is it ever going to be possible for me to be healthy and happy at the same time? My optimistic tendencies say yes, but I feel like my body and my mind know better than to be fooled by such sanguinity.

In which we are introduced, and Riot bitches about meaningless B.S.

I don't have time for this, damn it!
I work in 2.75 hours, and I have shit to do before then.
I don't have time for you!
I don't have time for myself!
I don't have time for anyone!
I have been utterly unsuccessful at planning and organizing and time-managing. I never see my mother and I haven't spoke to my brother in weeks. I have to pay my phone bill and my credit card bill and I should go to the doctor and maybe clean my room and do the dishes. I should finally call all those old friends I pass on the street and say "Hey, I'll give you a call some time!", especially since it irritates the piss out of me when old friends never keep their word.
I should volunteer my time, not waste it all. I should be creating and exploring and expanding and inventing and growing and evolving but I've become more stagnant than anything else. Ideas flood my brain all day and all night. I feel creative energy whirring around inside me, but when the time comes to tap it, it's dissipated and I feel empty and dumb.
I wear myself out and it's pathetic, because I never actually DO anything! I work and I drink and I "sleep". Most of my free time I spend admiring Mr. Herc and all the wonderful things he accomplishes. All the wonderful things he does while I'm at work.
So.
I didn't have time for this, but I did it anyway. I don't have time for a shower, but I'm going to have one of those as well. I don't have time to drive downtown and buy a habanero plant and pick him up from work, but gosh DANG it, I'm gonna do that too!
Tonight I am going to drink my face off and go to the Deerhoof show and have a lot of fun and feel a lot better than I do right now. Right now I feel driven, and sort of like I need a kick in the ass. Or two.
Next time, on things I don't have enough of: Money!