I don't have time for this, damn it!
I work in 2.75 hours, and I have shit to do before then.
I don't have time for you!
I don't have time for myself!
I don't have time for anyone!
I have been utterly unsuccessful at planning and organizing and time-managing. I never see my mother and I haven't spoke to my brother in weeks. I have to pay my phone bill and my credit card bill and I should go to the doctor and maybe clean my room and do the dishes. I should finally call all those old friends I pass on the street and say "Hey, I'll give you a call some time!", especially since it irritates the piss out of me when old friends never keep their word.
I should volunteer my time, not waste it all. I should be creating and exploring and expanding and inventing and growing and evolving but I've become more stagnant than anything else. Ideas flood my brain all day and all night. I feel creative energy whirring around inside me, but when the time comes to tap it, it's dissipated and I feel empty and dumb.
I wear myself out and it's pathetic, because I never actually DO anything! I work and I drink and I "sleep". Most of my free time I spend admiring Mr. Herc and all the wonderful things he accomplishes. All the wonderful things he does while I'm at work.
So.
I didn't have time for this, but I did it anyway. I don't have time for a shower, but I'm going to have one of those as well. I don't have time to drive downtown and buy a habanero plant and pick him up from work, but gosh DANG it, I'm gonna do that too!
Tonight I am going to drink my face off and go to the Deerhoof show and have a lot of fun and feel a lot better than I do right now. Right now I feel driven, and sort of like I need a kick in the ass. Or two.
Next time, on things I don't have enough of: Money!
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2 comments:
I miss you so bad. We will bake soon, probably tomorrow. I don't have your number! I left you mine, I hope you call meeee in the morning! I've been saving up my old bananas in the hopes that we might make banana chocolate chip cookies, or even peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, or something! At the very least you could come over for a few minutes and play Wario Ware with me. Someday you'll have to try out Doom. Or we can get together and do something. ANYTHING!
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Lizabet
How was Deerhoof?
I know the feeling of falling behind in your own life, it's awful... I'm pretty sure the answer is carving out spaces for yourself on a fairly concrete schedule, but I can't claim to have ever totally successfully followed that formula. The closest I usually get is putting a list of things I want to get done on a calendar with spaces... and cross my fingers.
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