I don't think I would change the company. Long lost and unexpected friends have shown up at our door and it fills my heart with so much happiness! My new room mates fit in so well (even though the only time I see one of them is when he's out the door, but at least each time we cross paths he's like "Hi Rosie, nice to see you! I'm going again, but we'll hang out really soon!" and I know he means it). One of our guests right now I was actually on the verge of...not really cutting off, but I sincerely felt he had no interest in being my friend, so I was ready to sever emotional ties. But we had a few good chats in Montreal (he helped me recover from the heat stroke I inflicted upon myself at a crust show) and the first thing he said to me when I saw him yesterday was "I drove from southern New Hampshire to see you!". He seems to be having a lot more fun in this city than he usually does. I'm comfortable saying our friendship is rekindled. Yes!
I think (and I know this is going to sound petty) I'm jealous that I'm the only one that hasn't been getting drunk over the last week. Isn't that ridiculous? What a thing to be bothered by! I decided back in Montreal that I would try this thing I'm calling "No Junk June". My rules were that I wouldn't be allowed to spend my money on beer or crappy food, because that's where all my busking money kept disappearing to. What's funny is that I hadn't planned on getting a job when I got back to Halifax (I'm a full time baker now for a local-ish shitty coffee shop!). I expected that I'd be busking hard core every single day so I could scrape by and maybe feed my cat (not true, she gets priority and eats more expensive food than I do. If only she could also survive off of pita). Instead, I now work 8 hours a day. I'm happy to be working again, since having absolutely no money was actually starting to become a problem. Visa has been harassing me, my cell phone got disconnected, we haven't had real coffee filters in months. I'm looking forward to having a regular pay cheque, especially after 4 months of unlearning how to spend money on frivolous shit.
The source of my minor irritation, I think, is that after working 8 hours a day with no break (did you know Nova Scotia has no labour law that regulates breaks? Or many labour laws at all?) I get home to a house full of people drinking beer. I love beer, but since my bank account is actually in the red right now and I made a promise to myself not to buy alcohol, I've been sober this whole week while the empties pile up around us. I don't know, maybe it's just an indication of my alcoholism that it makes me uncomfortable to be the sober one in the group, or maybe it's just because this week has been so stressful for everyone that I'm hyper sensitive and maybe my friends are just a little too wound up (I had to squash a friendly yet raucous fight happening in the kitchen last night). People are yelling at eachother, fist fights are popping up, people who are normally total non-smokers are smoking cigarettes, important things are getting ignored, it's just been a weird energy at home. I love everyone under this roof very dearly, I'm just feeling like I can't fit in with their games. The only thing I can think to attribute it to is the fact that I'm too broke to get growlered.
I've been using pretty creative means (in my opinion) to cope with my frustration/inability to get tanked. Yesterday was especially productive, as I hosted a meeting to discuss starting up an infoshop in Halifax, watched a bit of a documentary that, while really poorly done, made me want to build a tall bike SO BAD, and had the most epic dumpstering adventure ever.
I can't decide whether I need to just stick it out and get over the fact that my friends can afford to drink and I can't or whether I should just go busk the bar crowd tomorrow night and get like, a really good porter or wheat beer or something, have rowdy fun with the Roarphans, and let
things balance themselves out when I have money next week.
All I've managed to accomplish today is shutting myself in my room and deciding to clean it until 6:30 am when I plan on hitting up the food bank.
Bad sign?
1 comment:
Y'know, I acted all cool and unfazed about it but I felt like this at moments being the only non-smoker on tour. Part of the reason I quit is because cigarettes are such a steady expense, and part being the obvious health reasons etc., even loving the company as much as I did.
I've thought a lot about sobriety and reasons for it, and I usually end up pulling away from it because I see how grouchy a lot of straight-edge folks are, and I wouldn't want to give myself any extra reasons to feel that way on a more-than-occasional basis. Every time I've tried something like your "No-Junk June" I usually end up pulling away from a lot of potential social interactions, mostly because it really sucks being the only sober one at a punkshow/party/etc. But the flip side of that is the increased productivity, the waking up at 8am without feeling like you've been punched in the stomach and temples repeatedly, and the slight but persistent difference in wallet size.
ok clearly we have a bunch of real-life conversations waiting to happen. Keep 'em coming, Riot!
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