In Which Riot Gives the Fuck Up

A few days ago I was ranting to a friend about how furious apathy makes me. I've been on such a kick of productivity and involvement and action that the idea that people in my community weren't actively trying to change the world around them totally baffled me. I was under the impression that Neo-Liberalism and capitalism and opression and war were bad things, so why aren't people getting off their asses and doing something about it?

And now today, everything has changed. I caught myself saying "what's the point" so many times today that I feel like my life has been scripted by a shitty practical joker.
How can I possibly justify putting effort into a place that has crushed the souls of almost every person that's important to me?

EVERYONE I LOVE IS LEAVING.

My old friends, my new friends, my best friend, the person I've loved (and still love) more than anyone. The only people I've slept with in over a year. All leaving with no intent to return. Even my fucking father has left this city! One of my room/band mates is using the summer travel season as a way to scope out somewhere new to live.

I was feeling left behind before, but then I came up with a project to keep myself occupied over the summer. But what FUCKING good will venue/cafe/book/cd store do if there's no one here to see it? How can I risk so much and put my heart into something in a city that no one can stand to live in?
Eventually more people will come to Halifax, fall in love with it and stay here, and then I'll become attached to them, and then they'll be come cripplingly depressed and leave. And I'll go through this shit all over again.

I don't know how I'll be able to stay here. There is one person who I care about who will be here over the next while that actually loves Halifax, and if he weren't here I don't think I'd be able to stay.

I fucking came back to Halifax last summer simply because I was in love with someone who was excited to be here, and now it has completely destroyed him and he can't wait to get away and stay away.

Why do I live here? I'm not doing what I want. All the people I love are leaving. All but one member of my family has moved to Ontario.

This is such bull shit!

FUCK!

I'm fucking torn apart and I don't have a fucking clue what I need to do to fix it.