Well, it's more like a flat than a house. Maybe an apartment, but I'll stick with flat.
I'm living in a brick building with a nice big stoop and a wroght iron spiral staircase in the back. It's beautiful, and it's doomed. The highway, of which my bedroom window provides such an excellent view, is falling to pieces. Because it's such a pathetic piece of shit, it needs to be rebuilt. In order to rebuild THAT highway, they have to build TEMPORARY highway. The temporary highway will run straight through the Quatier des Tanniers.
It's really hard to imagine that this space, which has been SO FULL of so much life and excitement over the past few months, wont even exist this time next year. Instead of being a home to some of the most beautiful, strong, and intelligent women I've ever met, this space will have thousands of cars TEMPORARILY re-routed through it.
It really is something special, to be living with such incredible people. Not that I don't love or respect the people I've lived with in the past, but I feel like my eyes have opened wider and my pre-dispositions have been challenged, possible destroyed.
Last night I watched Danielle, clothed in her pretty red dress and big rubber boots, jump into a dumpster and fish out a kings ransome in spinach.
Today I watched Marina feed the spinach left overs to the tub of worms in the living room. She cooed at them, and apologized for having neglected them over the past month.
I missed the screening, but Wednesday Devo showed her short animated film, "Beer is cheaper than Therapy".
It's only the first weekend of June, but there's already something very different about this summer. I can tell that I'm a different person now, and that I'm stronger than I ever have been.
Since leaving Halifax, two of my past lovers have slept in my room, and I had drinks alone with another.
Not even tempted.
Not only am I totally in love(!), but I feel like I'm past the point of needing physical intimacy in order to feel wanted, welcome, worthy, etc. I feel confident that I can interact with people on a level now in a way that doesn't require attraction (physical or otherwise). I can just be friends. Just hang out. Just walk and laugh and cook and talk and sleep (really sleep) with people. No tension, no assumptions. My legs and my armpits are furry, I haven't put anything on my face other than water in months, my clothes are filthy and I eat out of the garbage. And I'm not afraid, not of what they're thinking at least.
Maybe this time I'll get it right. Maybe now I can be by myself and really thrive. I do find it a little hilarious that in order to finally be succesfully "single", I had to find the right partner.
I miss home a lot. I'm definitely doing that thing where in my mind, time in Halifax is standing still. I imagine that I'll go home and things will be exactly as I left them, but I know deep down that isn't the case. Things are moving on without me, and it will be weird, but I'm still so excited to get back to Halifax and step right into the swing of things.
I have big BIG plans!
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