In which Riot explores an eating disorder and how to gain control of the reins

Black coffee, vegetables cooked in water, the white of one egg, a veggie dog.
My self-deprecation manifests itself in ways that are so familiar to me. I get fed up with myself, and go about making what would appear to be healthy choices, but underneath it all it's the same game of numbers and numbness.
I start wearing long, flowing skirts. Not because I've finally decided to act my gender, but because jeans are too telling, and fuck if the ones I own even fit me right now.
Your average human improves upon itself in the summer. They become fit through activity, energy, low appetite. For me, the summer is a time of indulgence and apathy. I get lost in the world around me, and by the time I finally start to look back at myself I am sorely disappointed by what I've been reduced to.
The winter months are where I get my act together. I don't have blue skies to gaze into, I only have myself. My four walls bounce my attentions back on me, and I can't hide.
What the fuck good does it do me to be thin in the winter? When I'm covered in sweaters and blankets and locked away from everyone? It's an unfortunate cycle, and for some reason I feel that this final realization and recognition of this pattern will do me absolutely no good.
Of course, it's not like I want to stop the cycle, I just want to shift it around. Maybe I'll actually accomplish it this time. Maybe I'll finally get a grasp on myself.
I've been thinking a lot about self-exploration, understanding, and expression. I tend to ignore my own being and become absorbed in others. Cory is a perfect example of this. I'm so infatuated with him, that he completely occupies my thoughts. I think about his hair, his skin, his figure. Why would I want to think about myself when I could think about someone so wonderful?
For the past while, I've considered myself to have a much healthier outlook on life, but what if I'm completely wrong, and I've just been stewing in my own ignorance once again?
Cory is definitely the best thing to happen in my life in a long time. I've never been so understood, so respected, and able to communicate so freely. Maybe I've been taking this wonderful new energy for granted, and I've been using it the wrong way for the last 2 months.
Not that I want to use him, but I feel like he could really help me, if I knew how to be helped.
My biggest problem is that at this point, I'm not willing to sacrifice losing weight, and I don't know if I'll ever be healthy if that's the case.
Is it ever going to be possible for me to be healthy and happy at the same time? My optimistic tendencies say yes, but I feel like my body and my mind know better than to be fooled by such sanguinity.

In which we are introduced, and Riot bitches about meaningless B.S.

I don't have time for this, damn it!
I work in 2.75 hours, and I have shit to do before then.
I don't have time for you!
I don't have time for myself!
I don't have time for anyone!
I have been utterly unsuccessful at planning and organizing and time-managing. I never see my mother and I haven't spoke to my brother in weeks. I have to pay my phone bill and my credit card bill and I should go to the doctor and maybe clean my room and do the dishes. I should finally call all those old friends I pass on the street and say "Hey, I'll give you a call some time!", especially since it irritates the piss out of me when old friends never keep their word.
I should volunteer my time, not waste it all. I should be creating and exploring and expanding and inventing and growing and evolving but I've become more stagnant than anything else. Ideas flood my brain all day and all night. I feel creative energy whirring around inside me, but when the time comes to tap it, it's dissipated and I feel empty and dumb.
I wear myself out and it's pathetic, because I never actually DO anything! I work and I drink and I "sleep". Most of my free time I spend admiring Mr. Herc and all the wonderful things he accomplishes. All the wonderful things he does while I'm at work.
So.
I didn't have time for this, but I did it anyway. I don't have time for a shower, but I'm going to have one of those as well. I don't have time to drive downtown and buy a habanero plant and pick him up from work, but gosh DANG it, I'm gonna do that too!
Tonight I am going to drink my face off and go to the Deerhoof show and have a lot of fun and feel a lot better than I do right now. Right now I feel driven, and sort of like I need a kick in the ass. Or two.
Next time, on things I don't have enough of: Money!