The Unbeatable High

2011-06-24T13:15:00.000-03:00

Hey internet,

so I've been on the road since the first week of June. Before that was Harbour Water Fest 2.
Both events have been incredible, but I'm not quite up to writing about them yet.
Be patient!

♥ Riot

Box-cutter Haircut #1

2011-04-29T17:23:00.000-03:00

So, at 23 years of age, I am finally putting out my first zine.

(Well, first real, solo zine. I'm not sure if the Thom Thom Colouring Book really counts).

It's all about my relationship with my body.

And my eating disorder.

Heavy stuff (oh god, no pun intended!).

I have most of it written up, so now it's all the cutting and the gluing and the colouring backgrounds in black.

Thanks, a solid week of rain, for finally kicking my ass into gear.

2011-04-26T21:45:00.000-03:00

Woah, I have had such a productive day that I don't know what to do with the rest of my week.

I got up and went to work this morning, and even though I was only there fro 9:30 - noon, I got some shit done and made some money and it was a way to get me out of bed before 11.

Once I got off work I went to the post office and mailed a couple of things that I've been procrastinating on. It makes such a huge difference that there's a new employee at the post office, the guy that used to work there was a complete asshole. Who knew that little things like post office employees would make such a huge difference?

Once I got home I finished up both posters that I've been working on; one for a film screening and dinner that Molly and I are putting on (a fundraiser for Food Not Bombs' new community garden plot) and the other for the Harbour Water Fest 2 workshops. I'll probably scan them later so that everyone in the country will wind up flocking to Halifax to learn how to pick locks and become self-employed!

While I was waiting for Anchor Archive to open so I could use their photocopier I ran to Quinpool and rented the movie that we're screening next week, picked up a phone card, and bought some wort so that we'll have beer for Harbour Water!

Then I went to Anchor Archive and printed off a bajillion posters whilst ignoring the dudes volunteering there. Of course it would turn out that both volunteers were people that make me extreeemely uncomfortable.

Right after that I went to Bike Again to see if I could finally get a bike that suits me/fits me. Since my bike got stolen last summer I've tried a couple different bikes, but the first one was a piece of shit and only 3 speeds, and the second one was way too small and had shitty handle bars. I worked for close to an hour on a shiny black road bike (an All Pro? I've never heard of them before. Google says they're shitty k-mart bikes from the 70's. oh well!). I always get super self-conscious before I go to Bike Again and I'm always worried that I'm going to need to ask people for help and get all embarrassed, but whenever I actually find a bike and start to work on it I'm usually pretty comfortable. Tonight I was able to raise the seat, adjust the handlebars, and trim the gear cables and casings (for some reason they were outrageously long and hanging off the bike). Next time I go, all I'll really have to do is see if the tires hold air and maybe adjust the back brakes and rear derailleur. If I keep on this ultra productive roll, then I'll be able to finish the bike by Friday and attend my first Critical Mass of the year. Fingers crossed.

I feel good about the things I did today. I'm self conscious about my bike mechanic knowledge, my photocopier capabilities, and my brewing abilities, but I just fucking went for it. Even though an obnoxious dude had to get the paper to stop jamming in the People's Photocopier, things went pretty smoothly. I also don't usually like going places alone, but I really wasn't up to hanging out with anyone today so I bit the bullet.

Go team getting shit done!

Bonnie

2011-04-26T14:06:00.000-03:00

Some evening last week I was walking home along Gottingen street.
For those not familiar with the area, there's an abandoned department store on the block nearest my street. It's been boarded up for as long as I can remember, and is usually covered in posters and graffiti. Recently they've started cleaning it out so they can tear it down to build housing (they claim 50% is going to be reserved for "affordable housing", but I'll believe that when I see it).
Anyway, my eye was caught by a poster on a phone pole as I was walking past the building. While I was reading the poster, I noticed one of the "doors" (really just a giant slab of plywood) shift, and a woman emerged. I watched her out of the corner of my eye. She was white, probably in her late 30's, and had a travel mug and was wearing a lanyard with an id tag around her neck. I guess you could say she looked pretty normal. Except that in addition to her travel mug, she also had a can of spray paint in her hand.
Trying not to stare, I watched her slide the plywood closed again, saunter over a couple of feet, and paint something on the building. She then capped her can, and walked past me down the street.
A couple days later, I went back to see what it was that she had painted.

Fuck yes.

It's Easter Sunday, and that means...

2011-04-24T12:24:00.000-03:00

OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH, YOUR FOLLOWERS ARE BLIND!

TOO MUCH HEAVEN ON THEIR MINDS! IT WAS BEAUTIFUL BUT NOW IT'S SOUR.

YES IT'S ALLLLLLLL GOOOOOOONNNEEEEE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUURRRRR!

Easter = only holiday that I celebrate via rock opera

adventures in being a house punk

2011-04-18T12:20:00.000-03:00

When I get anxious, depressed, flustered and so on, I find that what I tend to do is just hole up alone and stare off into space. I avoid people around me, neglect my immediate surroundings, and usually just dwell inside my own disturbed mind.
This is why one of the best ways for me to work through these bad times is to work hard to come out of my head and work on the space that I inhabit. Cleaning, building shit, fixing shit, etc. It's a real struggle to get to the point where I can start this kind of work, but if I can pull myself together then it's excellent therapy.

Today I'm finally starting to muster myself. I didn't make it as far as getting up to go to the food bank, but because Cory just moved in and needed a key to the apartment I found myself in Canadian Tire this morning. I figured that since I was there, I should get a new hinge for our toilet seat/lid since one of ours is broken and the fucking thing slides around all the time. While hunting for the hinge, I also found shower curtain liners and figured it was time to replace ours, which is so fucking mouldy that taking a shower is an exercise in making myself as small as possible so it doesn't brush up against me.
Cory ended up actually paying for these things out of a desire to contribute to the house, but as soon I as got home I got to work. The shower curtain liner was already ripped, which is a bummer but it was like, $2 so I guess I can't really complain. As I was putting it up I found myself wondering really inane shit, like "I wonder who standardized the amount of holes in shower curtains and liners. Did they like, have a conference about it?".

I wish someone had standardized the size of toilet seat hinges and the holes they're supposed to go through because, as it turns out, the hinge was way too big. I didn't want to have to go back to the store (and to be honest, they probably wouldn't give me an exchange on something I had tried to shove into a hole in my punk house toilet), so I ended up whittling the hinge down with my leatherman, and cramming it in. Voila, another successful repair on the Orphanage toilet (we also had to replace the rubber flapper last year. That was more annoying to fix, but was a bigger problem to begin with.)

I can't help but think of that lady who warned me not to become too domestic. I wonder at what point one becomes "too" domestic, you know? I mean, being comfortable in my home is important to me. Having shit to work on here gives me little bursts of satisfaction. I still get an incredible thrill out of travel, and I feel extremely comfortable hitchhiking, but having a home to be proud of is something I really desire. Otherwise I would probably just end up wallowing in a filthy, uncomfortable, poorly lit, stinky hovel and would never have a break from my own mental poisons.

Now I'm going to go busk with Ryley, because playing music is also really therapeutic for me and I really don't get to do it often enough these days. All I want to do is distract myself and occupy my mind with more positive thoughts until I can find a way to get to sleep, and then do it again the next day. Living day to day.

Fuck.

oh barf; anxiety

2011-04-16T10:21:00.000-03:00

How many times a day can I possibly check my e-mail? I am losing my shit. I've been pacing around since yesterday, my heart is freaking out, and I can't concentrate on anything.
Fucking get in touch, please. You know who you are.

oh barf; feelings!

2011-04-15T16:20:00.000-03:00

Today marks 6 months since Steve and I got over our awkwardness and decided that maybe kissing each other would be a good idea. I still stand by it! Steve is a babe and a sweetheart and I feel enormously lucky to someone like him to call a partner. He's in London, On right now with the Rumble Strips, so I miss him a lot but am also a little jealous that he gets to hang out with Davita G. tonight.
I love you Steve, here's to enjoying the warmer half of the year together!

fight fer yer rights Thursday

2011-04-14T16:21:00.000-03:00

I woke up this morning to shouts of:

"WOMEN OF COLOUR, UNDER ATTACK, WHAT DO WE DO?"
"STAND UP, FIGHT BACK!"

I was super confused, as it was 8am on a Thursday morning. At first I thought Ryley was watching a movie or something, but then I peeked out my window and saw that there was a big, noisy picket going on at the corner of my block. Metro Housing Coalition, I think. They stayed noisy for several hours, then marched down to the legislature. I guess maybe they didn't get what they want yet because now they're picketing and chanting again and there are a lot of honking horns and stuff.

Well, it's spring, and with spring time comes evictions. Our upstairs neighbors are being informally evicted (they're not really putting up much of a fuss), and our friends across the commons are also getting the boot. After an unofficial notice of eviction showed up at their house (dated April 8th, telling them to be gone by the 30th, with a "thorough inspection" happening on the 14th), they decided to rally support on hold a tea party today to greet the landlord.
At first it didn't seem so bad, there was the aforementioned tea, and a lot of people came out and most dressed up. The landlord and his lackey moved through the apartment taking pictures and writing stuff down. They didn't really engage too much with the guests, but asked if anyone actually lived there a couple times.
Once they left (and slammed the door behind them) we thought we were home free and started to relax a bit...and then the cops showed up.
Long story short, landlords and cops are scummy, neither of them obey their own laws, and bureaucracy is a fucking headache. Incidentally, I stopped attending cop watch meetings and was removed from the mailing list, but I filmed the entire interaction with the police. Heh.
No one got arrested, but it was threatened. Thankfully we were able to keep them from coming inside the house, they're going to "investigate", and try to get an "emergency eviction". Not much has changed, but our friends might just have less time to figure their shit out. As much as I would love to see the land lord get dragged around and embarrassed at a hearing, it's not my house and I can totally understand that people wouldn't want to put that kind of energy into a place they aren't going to live anymore.

2011-04-12T23:31:00.002-03:00

oooh man.
picking your nose
after chopping garlic
oooohnooooo

Ronny is the most hilarious cat

2011-04-12T17:33:00.001-03:00

"Excuse me for a second, Ronny Boy, I'm just gonna take a self-portrait for my Tumblr"

"YOUR WHAT?!"

2011-04-10T20:13:00.000-03:00

I got my GST cheque last week, which was a huge windfall to a person like me. I deposited it yesterday, and as a treat for...I don't know, getting a bunch of money without really having to work for it, I bought myself a new mop (one that I can actually wring out. I swear I have not mopped this apartment more than twice since I've lived here and frankly that's kinda gross) and a chin-up bar (surprise! I have become a huge jock!).
While I was walking back home with Molly, a lady that was walking her (enormous, beautiful) dog shouted out "DON'T BECOME TOO DOMESTIC!"
I assured her that there was no danger of that.

I've been to two punk shows in two days. I didn't know anyone playing! Weird! One was in a shed and one was in a bar. One I went to with my rad roommate and one I went to with my rad friend (not to say that my roommate isn't my friend, of course). One show had a lot of pot smokers, and the other had a lot of leather jackets with silver spikes and dudes wearing their own band's merch and dudes with reeeeeeaaally long hair. One show had a puppy, the other was seriously lacking in that department.

Today I used my new mop and my new chin-up bar and drank wine at work while talking about oppression and racism and then I just set up a TUMBLR what is wrong with me. I also talked to Steve on the phone and it sure as hell did not make me miss him any less.

Canada has 3 seasons: Busking, traveling, and winter

2011-04-08T15:57:00.000-03:00

Well it's officially busking season here in Halifax! Despite the fact it was 0 degrees today, Ryley and I went downtown for the third day in a row. Now my fingers are super sore, my freckles are out in full force and my coin purse is significantly heavier. Each day we do a little better as we stay out longer, learn more songs, and become more comfortable with the songs we know.
I ran into another prominent Halifax busker today (his name is Matt, he's older than us and usually plays Beatles and Bob Dylan tunes) and he told us about how he'd just gotten a dish washing job after being "free" for 6 years. I think it was the first time I'd seen him downtown without his guitar, and he agreed he felt naked without it. It funny to think that he got a job to supplement his busking, and I busk to supplement my job.
Ryley and I are going to some random punk show in the north end tonight, so check on DIY Halifax soon for show photos and a review!

2011-04-05T22:50:00.000-03:00

Dear The Girl Who Came Up To Me in the Library Today,

I'm sorry if I seemed rude when you told me I looked like someone who was going to the Disturbed concert tonight. And again when you said like I looked like someone who wanted to go. And again when you asked me how long it took me to stretch my ears. You caught me off guard.
When I was your age, I never would've had the guts to approach a stranger, especially one I thought might share common ground with me. Either you worked up some nerve to talk to me, or you are very weird. Also, you are stretching your ears way too fast, but you disappeared into the library before I had a chance to tell you that.
I hope you had fun at the concert.

Riot Squat

2011-04-05T12:12:00.000-03:00

Last night I had a dream that I was living in a huge, multi-level squat with a large group of (mostly) queer women. It was like, an apartment building or a school or something and it was called Riot Squat.
There was some sort of party, I think it was an anniversary celebration and there were people and christmas lights and food all over the place. At one point I made out with a girl I've never met and stole her lip ring...
But then I remember running really fast up and down stairs and hiding under tables and behind doors as the squat got evicted by cops.
It weird, even though I didn't dream about actually setting up the squat or living there for any amount of time, I was really crushed by the eviction. I mean, I guess I always have a really emotional reaction to cops doing especially shitty things, and I've been through a squat eviction, but in the dream it still all felt really personal.

Also, does anyone else think Riot Squat is fucking sweet name?

Weird weekend

2011-04-03T01:04:00.000-03:00

Last night we had the Rumble Strips tour kickoff show. I'll admit that I found it a little under-attended, but that's understandable considering how terrible the weather was and the fact that so many people are out of town.
It was a good show, though. Intimate. Also, Storm's parents came out and now I'm really regretting not telling them personally how great it was that they were there. My dad comes to house shows occasionally, and while there may be a few awkward moments where unfamiliar people think he's a cop or a landlord, everyone enjoys having him there and he has a great time. It feel really good to have that support. On the other hand, no matter how many times I invite my mother to house shows she never accepts. She's too uncomfortable, and says how "no one will want [her] there because [she's] too old". I wish we could make it so that all ages really means all ages.
Speaking of landlords, unfortunately the show had a lengthy intermission because of one. I guess Tyrone, the landlord of both the Orphanage and Skeletech, wandered up into Skeletech last night without any notice. Someone that was actually on the lease had to go out and negotiate with him, so we decided it would probably be a good idea to stop the show for a while (which is a shame, because Bramble is damn good, and folks ended up leaving before the Rumble Strips even played).
Everyone's pretty upset about Tyrone's tendency to just show up at the apartments. We have cats and paint on the walls, which is against the conditions in our lease. We're not bad tenants, though! We pay our rent on time and we love the neighborhood and Ryley busts her ass keeping the property clean and making sure that garbage and recycling and compost all get to the curb on time. Tyrone's not a bad landlord, either. He needs to start respecting our space and our boundaries, but he keeps the rent low and isn't breathing down our necks all the time. It's tough to know what to do. I know we could kick his ass about the fact that he comes over without proper notice, but then what? We find another place to live with a landlord that's probably no better? Pay exponentially more rent? It really sucks.
Despite the snafu with Tyrone, the show went well. Here are some shots -

Now the Rumble Strips have taken off on their grand adventure across the country. I'm excited for them, but also a little jealous.

Also, I am going to miss this guy a whole heck of a lot:

There's a show here tonight...

2011-04-01T18:56:00.000-03:00

...but I already feel really uncomfortable in this house. I don't need hateful d-bags coming in here and ruining my last night with my partner for the next 2 months.
This is a hater-free house. If you don't like me, stay the fuck home.

2011-03-26T22:32:00.001-03:00

I've never felt this alone

2011-03-24T23:09:00.000-03:00

So last night we got our Jenga tower to 40 rows and then ran out of playable moves.

Are we a little excited?

Yes.

Do we know how to party on a Wednesday night?

Heck yes.

Sprung

2011-03-23T14:47:00.000-03:00

It's finally spring, and for once the weather is actually synchronizing with the calendar. It's been warm, sunny, and sure pleasant in general here on the east coast.
Today all the Orphans (and surrogate Orphans Jawsh and Steve) stooped for a little bit, probably the first official stoop of the season!

Well I have to say, I think my friends are pretty cool.

2011-03-21T12:52:00.001-03:00

“It takes a massive, unbelievable amount of courage to stand up and say something is racist. Or sexist. Or ableist. Or any kind of -ist. A person who stands up does not do it for entertainment or enjoyment, because being looked upon as uncouth for interrupting others’ good times is not enjoyable or entertaining. Nor do they do it because it hurt their feelings, because -isms do not hurt feelings. -Isms are not that kind. -Isms kick people to the ground and hold them there for others to walk upon. Don’t be mistaken—if someone calls you racist or sexist or any -ist, they do not wish to annoy you or cause you problems. I can almost guarantee you that they are feeling scared or weak when they call you out, because what they are doing is telling someone who is walking upon them for a hand up, for consideration. And you need to give them that. You need to listen.”

I found this on Cera's tumblr today. It came at just the right time, since I've been feeling pretty crummy about all the that's been going on surrounding Friday's party.
Last night a delegate from upstairs came down to talk to me. I guess folks were offended by the words I chose to use (like "disappointed" and "fucked up"). I didn't go up there to just piss people off, I went up there because I needed to make sure they understood why what happened was so terrible. I didn't go up there to make enemies, if anything I went up there to repair and strengthen relationships for the future.
Having said that, I don't feel sorry for making anyone feel uncomfortable. Being called out is embarrassing and awkward. If it makes you feel good it probably isn't being done correctly.
I know everyone up there already considers me a "PC Weiner", but I genuinely want them to stop and think about how their actions affect others in the future. Maybe it's necessary for me to play the bad guy?
I don't know.

2011-03-19T19:16:00.000-03:00

Tried to talk to 3 people today about the poor taste of last night's party. One of them stared silently at their laptop, one actually got up and left the room, and one was defensive, snarky, and told me that they were "sorry I was offended by the name of a Facebook event."
I told them to realize how fucked up it was, and how the fact they could even consider it irony was a sign of great privilege denying, and to consider how much words can hurt in future.
Then I stepped on a fucking staple poking out of a piece of cardboard on the floor as I left their house, side-stepping the pile of cat shit that's been in their foyer for at least two days.
Why do I bother?

2011-03-19T01:18:00.000-03:00

Ok, so I may have jumped the gun with my angry post.
I went to the party, and it seems the "theme" never came in to play.
Never the less, someone decided that would be a party theme and thought it was a good enough idea to spread it around.
Does the fact that people are too apathetic to carry out a party theme redeem anything? Did they decide it was a bad idea? Was there a miscommunication?
I don't know, but everyone is drunk on hooch and someone I really love just got back in to town, so I'm going to save my rage for tomorrow.

HYPOCRISY!

2011-03-18T20:47:00.000-03:00

You run around the neighborhood spray-painting circle A's and writing words like "EQUALITY" and "WE ARE WINNING", you help organize rallies, you spew Crimethinc all over everyone you encounter, you dress and do your hair in "alternative ways" and then you have A FUCKING BLIGHT THEMED PARTY IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR RACISM, YOUR BLINDNESS TO YOUR PRIVILEGE, AND YOUR GODDAMN HYPOCRISY!
WALK THE FUCKING WALK, ALREADY!

whew

2011-03-17T17:45:00.000-03:00

In the past 24 hours I have:

hitch hiked home with my best friend
Showered twice
become a brunette
been interviewed for a job
slept reeeeeeally well
inked and scanned 9 comics

Now I'm off to hang out with my mom, then go to a poetry slam, then set up a new blog to post my comics on.

Should've seen this coming

2011-03-16T10:17:00.000-03:00

The van.

Broke down.

In Fredericton.

*sigh*

I want to go home.

NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE

2011-03-14T19:23:00.000-03:00

Got in to Montreal last night to discover that several of our friends have been arrested on extremely bullshit charges. Everyone was extremely tense and upset after having 3 demos in 2 days, and we walked right into the middle of it.
I am so sick of this shit. What the fuck makes them think they can arrest people just for being part of the fucking black bloc? Since when does that make someone a conspirator? How can people just sit back and watch pigs on horseback swarm a group of people walking down a street and keep them for days on weapons charges?
We went out for court support this morning, which means I've already been up for nearly 12 hours, and we still have our show tonight. The 12 hour drive tomorrow is going to be extremely shitty.
Tomorrow is the international day against police brutality. Even if there's nothing planned in your city, I strongly encourage you to be heard, and speak out LOUDLY and BOLDLY against the police and all forms of opression and authority.

Kitchener punk show birthday party

2011-03-11T20:19:00.000-04:00

Class War Kids

Mark It Zero, once again. Love these guys!

Bonus shot of hilarious crowd member.

Birthday!!

2011-03-10T19:57:00.000-04:00

Woah, it's my birthday! I'm 23! Every year the changing second digit gets harder to believe. Even though 23 is only one step away from 22, it feels like such a huge difference. I'm the same person I was yesterday, but the sudden switch is jarring. It would be nicer if the numbers gradually rose throughout the year, so maybe I'll start implementing that. Today I'm 23.001, and tomorrow I'll be 23.002.
We're in London, Ontario right now hanging out with our sweet friend Davita G. While it certainly seems like there are plenty of cool kids in London, Davita shines high above them all and is seriously the nicest person I've ever met. We're hanging out at her Grandparent's house while they're away, which is especially nice considering all the extra beds they have laying around here. Slept very comfortably, very late.
Anyway, here are some shots from our show last night here in London. I seem to be losing my low-light touch, so they're pretty grainy. Bummer.

The ever-amazing Davita G.

Um, I don't remember this guy's name, but he reminded me a whole bunch of Laurie,

and he actually played Wagon Wheel during his set.

This band was very silly. Laura Mann & the Fairly Odd Folk from Calgary. They seemed really disinterested in the whole thing, and the dude was the most serious glockenspiel player I've ever witnessed, and had quite the 'tude.

All The Trendy Kids! These folks were great, super adorable,

and really knew how to work a crowd. A++, would play a show with again.

More from our tour

2011-03-09T16:10:00.000-04:00

We've had a few more shows and several days off.
We spent a few days in Ottawa, which was super lovely. I really miss my dad and my brother, and I'm super lucky for how supportive they are of everything I do.
The Ottawa show was amazing, but impossible to photograph. Not only was the basement tiny, dark, and super crowded, but I ended up socializing to the point of missing a bunch of the bands that played. (whoops). Very unlike me!
Our set went over extremely well, and the crowd was really enthusiastic. It was especially nice to be surrounded by good friends we don't get to see very often, and to share with them what we've been working on over the last year.
We're in Guelph now, at Cory's new house. I feel much more comfortable here than I did at his old place, which was like a black hole of despair. The show last night was nice, especially because our pal Jeffery from New Haven happened to be in town and opened for us. We first met him almost exactly a year ago when the Official Suckers toured through the states. I'm happy that we've been able to create these lasting relationships with folks from all over.
The band that headlined last night played some super fun pop-punk, and are going to join us tomorrow night at our show in Kitchener. Hopefully I'll be able to take better shots of them there! Then again, I'll be celebrating my birthday at that show so I might just have fun and dance.

Cute friends

Adventuring through the horribly slushy streets of the capital city

Black Is The Color, our friend from New Haven, CT

Mark It Zero, from Kitchener, ON

Tour!

2011-03-05T17:35:00.000-04:00

So we've been on tour now for about 4 days, and we're taking some time to relax in Ottawa.
It's funny- when I first started hanging out with folks in Ottawa, I was really surprised at how they were able to make a home here as it never used to feel residential to me. These days, however, it's starting to feel really comfortable. My brother and father both live here, Steve's brother lives here, and there seems to be a genuine wealth of awesome places to hang out (I want to live in Raw Sugar cafe for the rest of my life).
I've been taking tons of photos, but I don't want to A) bore you all or B) use Steve's laptop for the next 6 hours uploading them, so here is a small sample of what's been going on so far:

The traditional Oxford Blueberry photo

Star wars figurines! At the house in Sackville! I'm not going to tell you where because damn, if I were to burgle something...

Buzz Buzz, in Sackville

Noise Hounds

Sandman Viper Command, from Burlington, Ontario

Matt (A) at the Gallery we played in Moncton

Money In The Banana Stand, from Charlottetown, PEI

The Fucking Gummi Bears, our sweet friends from Moncton, NB

Crowd shots from Moncton! Kelly Belly and Sonny Bones hitched to see us in both Sackville and Moncton, which was super sweet. Also there was this SUPER WEIRD lady who danced to the FGB and then bought a bunch of Steve's zines and made him SIGN them.

That's all for now. I'm going to continue being all cozy inside while the rain and slush carries on outdoors. We're in Ottawa for a few more days, then off to Guelph!

Mistake Maker's Tour Kickoff!

2011-03-01T19:22:00.000-04:00

We played our tour kickoff show last night at the Windsor st house and it was so good! I was in a bummy mood at the beginning of the night, but things definitely improved once people started rolling in and the bands started playing.
Awesome sets from Noise Demo, 18x18x2, The Nymphets, and Stagnant Stars, and to be honest I thought I set was pretty fucking sweet as well.
More photos and an innovative show review to come soon to the DIY Halifax blog.

WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS NUDITY, GRAPHIC IMAGES, AND SUPER-OFFENSIVE TEXT!

2011-02-28T16:44:00.000-04:00

So I just quit my job at X-Citement. Quitting jobs is one of my least favorite things to do,but it usually goes better than I expect it to.

The job was interesting, and I there were a lot of fun aspects to it, but it was really starting to wear me down. Not just physically (the shifts were longer than I'm used to, and it was an hour of busing a day), but mentally and emotionally.

I went in to the job fully aware that pornography is problematic in a number of ways, but all I really thought of before going in was it's sexist, patriarchal aspects. I know the women in porn (het porn, for the most part) are treated like objects, and are subjected to countless humiliations for the enjoyment of the (predominantly male) audience. Women get pissed on, get cum in their eyes, get thrown around, etc. One of the only reasons I could tolerate these films was because the women are (for the most part) consenting adults, and well-paid ones for that matter. Would I let someone cum in my eye for several thousand dollars? Probably.

What I didn't consider before taking the job, was the tremendous cis-sexism and racism in the porn industry. I worked with adult movies when I was at Video Difference, but we didn't really have that much selection. At VD we had a huge gay section, a really stellar lesbian section (and not just "girl-on-girl" shit aimed at straight men, the lesbian section was probably the most tasteful selection in that store. Women of every size and colour were represented), and a "regular" section. We had maybe one or two titles that included trans-women, and a few "interracial" ones. Everything VD was sent was totally random, so there weren't enough of the same kind of movies to make sub-categories.

At X-Citement, they have a whole "interracial" section. One of the issues I had with this was that they didn't even just limit it to actual interracial couples, but if there was a woman of colour on the cover, it would be included in that section even if it was a black girl doing scenes with a black man.
Then there was the horrifying titles like:

This girl probably can't get a job without someone mentioning the fact that she's Asian. While there are issues of sexism and nasty treatment of women in "normal" porn, the women in those films (let's say Pirates, Body Heat, Fallen, Older Women Younger Girls #3, In Anal Sluts We Trust, etc) are overwhelmingly white. Women of colour are consistently cast in films that are entirely based around fetishizing them. If there's an Asian porn actress without a gag reflex, she still probably wont get cast in a blow job movie. She's Asian first, a woman second. It scares me to think how the person that gets off to these movies will treat or even think about the women of colour they see on a daily basis. It's the same for black and latina women.

Then there's shit like this:

Tiny white girls are constantly getting paired up with large black men. The men are reduced to aggressive thugs with huge dicks, and the "poor, unsuspecting, wholesome white girl" gets, I dunno, corrupted or some shit.

The other problems I've been have are with the trans porn. Not only is the selection of queer films at X-Citement pitiful and embarassing, the "Transgender" section is hard to stomach. These women are referred to as "she-males" and "T-Girls" and are either "tricking" men with their "naughty secret" or are being tortured. It really makes me feel like an extremely unsafe world is being created (perpetuated?) for trans women.

I do believe there is such a thing as tasteful porn. I do believe that people of all genders and races can be portrayed in a sexual, respectful way. I want there to be Thai trans girls expressing themselves sexually, I want white girls to have sex with black men, I want everyone to be able to own their sexuality and if they want to make a career out of it, I just want everyone to be respected as HUMAN BEINGS for fuck's sake. I just can't hack the objectification and fetishization and belittling and humiliation any more.

Also, I only got like, a 10% discount on vibrators and that simply will not do.

2011-02-21T16:52:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a little bit lately about inclusivity, and how our social groups tend to be rather poor at it.
I was reading an article a little while ago on someone's blog about how acronyms are really exclusive and can lead to confusion and just a general lack of communication (one of the examples given was using "TW" instead of "Trigger Warning". I can remember coming across "SI/TW" in a few livejournal communities I used to frequent and it took me a long time to figure out that it mean "Self Injury/Trigger Warning")
I put a show poster up on the bulletin board at work and one of my coworkers read it and asked "What does PWYC mean?" and while it's super obvious to my immediate circle that it means Pay What You Can, I think it's a little short sighted of us to assume that everyone reading the poster is going to get it.
I wonder how many times people have walked by a show poster, say the "$5 or PWYC" and just wrote off the show because they figured they couldn't afford it and didn't realize they could come anyway.

2011-02-15T15:04:00.000-04:00

Well, yesterday was probably the best Valentine's day I've had in a while (last year I was on tour in Ottawa, and went to meet a bunch of friends at a bar but they'd moved on without letting me know. Not stoked). As much as I tried not to celebrate it, I do work at a sex toy/porno shop so it was kind of hard to avoid it.
It was the best shift I've had at X-Citement so far, and I'm definitely getting a lot more comfortable helping customers. It's not that I have any problems talking about sex toys with total strangers, I just have no idea what we have in stock yet or whether any of it is any good. The fact that I've been so interested and have studied up on sex and bodies and toys just out of plain curiosity over the years is definitely paying off ("No, sir, I don't believe anyone offers a pill that will give you a bigger 'load' when you ejaculate, I think you're just gonna have to save up for a little bit").
One think I'm pretty stoked about is that almost every customer I have is a lot older than I would typically expect to see browsing a sex shop. I realize there's this popular idea of the "dirty old man", and while it's true that almost every person through our door is a grey-haired, mustached, truck-driving man in some sort of hunting apparel, they're really not what I expected. The customers we got at Video Difference were usually socially awkward, constantly sweating, and completely avoided eye-contact with the female-bodied clerks. At X-citement, there's no shame (from what I can tell), and the dudes that one would expect to get the most vapid, oppressive, misogynist porn, wind up being the ones who buy hot pink vibrating nipple clamps, and talk about how embarrassing it is trying to explain the hook for their sex swing to their visiting adult children.
I mean, of course not everyone is perfect. I had a guy the other day making extremely tasteless jokes with my manager, but she was eating it right up. Obviously I'm never going to find a job that's in a completely PC environment, and if I did it would probably make me sheltered and naiive and completely ill-equipped to deal with real life.
No work today, for both Steve and myself, so we're at the cafe/hostel down the street, trying to make albums happen for Mistake Makers, Stagnant Stars, and the Rumble Strips. Busy busy busy! Winter is almost over!

Another day,

2011-02-09T01:07:00.000-04:00

Another impulsive haircut. Feeling super body-conscious as of late, which isn't anything unusual, but it's certainly been exacerbated by the fact that I spend all looking at porn stars. Oh, and also the fact that there's a security camera on the wall behind the desk at work, pointed exactly where I sit, so during my 5 hour shifts I get to stare at my own back. I've learned that wide screen monitors are not friendly, and that I was right to stop wearing a bra before. My hour of commuting each day has got me reading The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf, so hopefully I'll be feeling better soon.
Aside from the fact that I kind of want to be invisible all day, the new job is working out pretty well. I kind of forgot that X-Citement sells toys as well as renting porn, so it's way more intriguing than I expected it to be. Today I spent like, an hour wandering around, putting batteries in the different toys that I was curious about. They have a vibrator that turns on when you receive a call or text on your cellphone! How cool is that? That would be so good for distance relationships! Most of the toys are pretty silly, but I'm sure that they've all had lots of thought put into them (some probably too much).
Most of the day was spent putting away magazines and pacing around and chuckling at the bad english translations on packaging and gagging at the idea of flavoured lube. Super snowy today, most patrons didn't seem up to the trek.

Last night we played Rockin' 4 Dollars for the 3rd week in a row. I had a good time, even though I wasn't really feeling the event. It's quite a commitment, going down and playing and then sticking around until after 2am. But at least we sounded good and we played a brand new song and it went really well.
the Rumble Strips also played, seeing as Kelly has finally joined the ranks of those that can buy their own drinks, smokes, and can either listen to or make music that's loud enough to be heard late at night.

Also also we've all sort of been collectively band-crushing on this sweet band called The Nymphets, who've also played the last 3 weeks in a row. They rock so hard, and are so sweet, and it's so nice to see other kids wearing plaids and big-framed glasses in a bar that has become uncomfortably punk rawk.
We asked them ~~on a date~~ to play our tour kick off show and they agreed! Stoked!

2011-02-03T14:08:00.000-04:00

Little xHoneyxWhutx is heading to BC for 2 months with Mogli and Beyon.
I don't know how we're going to break the news to Ruckus...

I JUST GOT A JOB

2011-02-03T12:46:00.000-04:00

AT X-CITEMENT VIDEO IN DARTMOUTH!
AAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

2011-02-02T23:50:00.000-04:00

Almost exactly a year ago, I went on my first ever tour with The Official Suckers (I'm not counting that one time Rowan and I hitchhiked to Truro to play a show with Starla!, Todi, and Brad). I got to hear a bunch of inspiring new musicians, saw countless new places, and met some of the sweetest people I've ever had the pleasure of befriending. To top it all off, I got it experience it all with my best friends, while helping spread music that's really important to a lot of people.
Lucky for me, I get to have another experience like this again this year, only with a (mostly) different band! Mistake Makers are hitting the road March 2nd and I am fucking pumped. While we may not be heading to palm tree infested South Carolina this winter, we'll be hitting up a lot of under-represented Canadian towns, and visiting a lot of very dear friends this side of the border.
I am so fucking excited!
Come watch my band play music!

Multitasking

2011-02-02T17:52:00.000-04:00

Pretty sweet snow day, in my opinion. As I'm knitting, I'm checking out some new music blogs, downloading a fuck ton of music, and compiling it into play lists.
Also eating "Asian" salad, and sipping vanilla hazelnut coffee. Snow days are great food bank days, I guess.

My Life...

2011-01-30T20:14:00.000-04:00

in Haiku

I would like to eat
Banana Nut Cheerios
For-evah-evah

Let's ditch the punk show
you beat the secret levels
I'll get the ice cream

Can't feel my fingers
broke another guitar string
this is so much fun

Dartmouth porno shop
forty minutes on the bus
will work for dildos

bourgeois restaurant
can't get your shit together
beware kitchen staff

2011-01-25T22:39:00.000-04:00

Why wood burning is awesome: it's as if I'm drawing with dark brown ink that smells like a camp fire. What could be better?

Last night Mistake Makers and Stagnant Stars played Rockin' 4 Dollars down at Reflections Cabaret. While hanging out in bars has worked it's way down to the bottom of the list of things I like to do, we had a great time. We played some pool, laughed at the shitty (but brave) bands, and played what we all considered to be an awesome set. We didn't win any money (or a deep fryer...) but we're stoked to go back and try again next week.

Today has been more Scrabble and art making and snuggling and coffee drinking. I made a pudding cake that tasted more like the box it was in than cake, but I guess you have to make do when everything you eat comes from a food bank. I've applied for a zillion jobs, but haven't heard anything back. I feel just like I did last year. Where's my windfall, world?

2011-01-23T01:47:00.000-04:00

My friend Mogli, in addition to being one of my all time favorite musical artists, is an extremely talented tattoo artist. She works out of her bedroom in her punk rock apartment (directly above mine), and does mostly her own designs.
Steve built some punx bunx for Mogli and her room mate Beyon, so today he got a massive tatty on his upper arm in return.

2011-01-21T20:50:00.000-04:00

My life in point-form:

+ Slept in every day this week with my favourite gentleman

+ Got paid today

+ Got paid back most of a chunk of money that's owed to me

- the above funds combined with my GST cheque only puts me at $5 above rent

+ It's 5 degrees right now

- all the snow is melting on the commons, which is how I discovered one of my rubber boots has a leak

+ I just ate my favorite sandwich (avocado, hummus, red onion, havarti, greens)

- couldn't really afford those groceries

+ I've not only been making art every day, but I've been making art that I'm proud of every day!

+ I successfully booked a show for the Mistake Makers tour by myself, in a town where I don't know
anyone. I've never done that before!

+ I'm bartering with a friend for some tailoring (I'm doing the tailoring, and getting a zine for it)

+ just smooched a little bit (best interlude)

- my cat pooped on my floor today. I don't know what the fuck has gotten into these animals

+ I built a new bike

- it might be too small for me

+ I'm exactly where I want to be

2011-01-20T00:43:00.000-04:00

I am so burnt out on cats.

My room and the living room both smell like shit way more often than I am comfortable.

Ruckus is always trying to devour whatever cardboard box she can find in my room (I guess the ideal time for this is around 4am), Ronnie Boy is constantly sneaking around my room (eating Ruckus' food, using her little box), and Honey Wheat is a fucking furry demon torpedo. She's 5 months old but hasn't gotten any bigger, seemingly sleeps for only an hour a day, pulls stuff out of the garbage and recycling, torments the other cats until they chase her, attacks inanimate objects, and bites and scratches people.

I love cats, and the ones that live here especially, but these days they've been extremely hard to deal with. I was so stoked when Ruckus finally left her kitten stage and started sleeping all day, but now it's like she's reverted.

I'm losing my mind.

In my life

2011-01-17T14:36:00.000-04:00

Sonny Bones is brewing ginger beer, I made a yummy curry, Honey Wheat destroys Mogli's head, and Steve Believe has band practice with every band ever made.
Not pictured is the Super Secret recording project Steve and I are working on, the Black Metal potluck where the curry was eaten, and the 400 games of Scrabble I've played in the last week.

Things to not talk to my mother about:

2011-01-14T01:11:00.000-04:00

- Anarchy
- Non-monogamy
- Money

I'm burnin', I'm burnin', I'm burnin' for you

2011-01-12T19:35:00.001-04:00

I don't know if you can tell or not, but this image is burnt into the wood. Don't know what the banner's going to say yet, probably something to do with the Little Office since this is an acrylic painting kit (that just happens to be made of sweet, sweet, burnable wood.)

The Response

2011-01-12T00:16:00.000-04:00

Hi Rosie,
Thanks for your email. I was not part of putting together this month's Tide, as I was in Ontario, but am forwarding your response to those who were. We will be discussing this issue at our next meeting.
I hope the Media Co-op will regain your support again in the future.
take care,
Hillary

Totally shrugged off all responsibility, and didn't even apologize. Not stoked.

On a completely unrelated topic, wood-burning is a fucking weird art form!

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

2011-01-11T17:52:00.001-04:00

So I consider myself to be pretty political, and there are many things I'm very passionate about, and one of those things is feminism. It's impossible for me to ignore the many ways in which women are oppressed every day, all over the world. I realize that I am an extremely privileged person on many levels, but even I've been discriminated against as a female-bodied person.
One of the ways I've been trying to do my part to stave off sexism and gender-based oppression (among other things) is to use non-oppressive language. I don't use gendered insults, I don't use slurs. If I say something that someone else finds offensive or hurtful, then I never say that word again. It's a tiny thing that everyone can do to make others comfortable in a world that just continuously shits on so many oppressed groups.
I guess maybe I'm sheltered, maybe I'm spoiled, and certainly I'm a very lucky person to live and be friends with so many folks with similar goals and ideals. I don't have to hear hateful speech on a daily basis, and on the off chance someone says something questionable, they are usually very receptive to being confronted on it.
So imagine my reaction when I was at the Good Food Emporium earlier today, and I picked up a copy of the Halifax Media Co-op's The Tide, an independently produced single-page publication of local news, and read the following paragraph:

Nature Will Tend To Win

The East Coast was bitch-slapped by nature, with four major wind, rain, and snow storms in as many weeks. A researcher with New Brunswick's Environment Department said the storms may be examples of climate change, and that we might want to pay more attention to how we develop because "nature will tend to win."

BITCH-SLAPPED! THE EAST COAST WAS BITCH-SLAPPED! What the fuck? What the FUCK?

Since I really don't feel like going over why this makes me so angry, here's a copy of the e-mail I sent to Media co-op editor Hillary Lindsay (and then forwarded to the entire Feminist League for Agitation Propaganda).

Dear Hillary,

Today I picked up a copy of the January 2011 edition of The Tide. While I started off curious and intrigued to read what's local and newsworthy, I have to say that I was completely shocked and disgusted when I came to the "News in Brief" section.

The fact that there is a publication that is understood to be left and radical, but will comfortably print the term BITCH-SLAPPED, is absolutely repulsive. Being independent does not give you the authority to be blatantly sexist and so shockingly offensive.

The word "bitch" is, on it's own, incredibly problematic and terribly hurtful towards women. When used towards women, it often implies that any sort of self-determination, strength, or assertiveness is a despicable quality. When used towards men, it's identifying weakness, submissiveness, and other "lowly" qualities as being inherently female. It hurts women by making them feel it's bad to be strong, and it hurts men by making them feel like they have to live up to some absurd standard of masculinity. Let us not forget that the term itself originally refers to a female dog, thus comparing women to animals.

When used in conjunction with "slap", a whole whack of negative imagery is conjured up. Whether one is referring to slapping a "bitch", or being slapped by a "bitch" doesn't matter. What matters is that someone actually used hateful, sexist speech when describing bad fucking weather! Aligning winter storms with abusing women is absolutely unacceptable.

What really throws me off is that this offence is printed directly beside a blurb on calling out Q104 for using homophobic speech. A little integrity, please?

I really expected more from you and the Media Co-op, and I sincerely hope that things of this nature aren't so clearly overlooked in the future.

Rosie McDonald

Now I'm going to go play scrabble and try to forget about how pissed off I am.

The Little Office

2011-01-09T21:54:00.006-04:00

A few nights ago Steve apologized for being "a little off". I misheard this, and thought he was apologizing for being a little office, and while I was pretty confused by that statement I figured it would be a great name for the art/work/studio space that we set up in the weird back section of my room. It looks like a disaster in the photo, but that's only because we've been super busy in the last few days. From the left you can see my laptop (open to this page! woah, meta!), my old camera, and some paints. There's a new desk lamp, some spray paint, some transparencies, a big box of pens and markers, a pile of fabric that is transitioning from being a shirt to a skirt (see below), my sewing machine and Kelly's typewriter.

In less than a week, Steve's completed three paintings and has already started a fourth. He's a machine. I knew he was a good artist from the few paintings he'd posted over on the 90's babies blog, and I really like the pen & ink drawings that he does, but being around while he draws and paints all the time has really opened my eyes to how talented he is. Also, he's been using up all the canvases I've been saving up and stashing in my crowded room, so it's win-win. He's making rad art, and my art supplies are finally getting used.

I've been playing around with my sewing machine a lot lately, which has been really nice. I've always really loved fashion (weird, I know. I wear the same clothes every day, and am not at all fashionable) and for a while I toyed with the idea of going to NSCAD for fashion or textiles or something, but it's pretty obvious that post-secondary isn't for me. I took a night course there called "Garment Alteration and Re-design" which, incidentally, is exactly what I do, so I thought it would be an amazing course but it was total bullshit. I'm not wasting my time and money on some lady telling me that I can make existing garments exciting by using random coloured thread to make abstract designs, and I sure as fuck am not about to use fabric paint on anything I make. So now I just hunch over my sewing machine, making up patterns as I go. So far it's been working rather well, actually! I've been making wrap skirts out of used men's dress shirts. Instead of tying at the waist, I used the existing buttons and holes from the shirts to make an adjustable, fastening waist-band. It's kind of hard to explain, so I'm going to try and get someone to model one and then I'll post some pictures.

In the mean time, here are some of the things we've been working on:

More to come!

2011-01-07T19:11:00.002-04:00

I do my best to avoid going to sleep. (I feel like I've mentioned that on here before...)
One of the reasons is because I feel really uncomfortable when I'm lying in bed, waiting to fall asleep. I always feel like that's time I could spend doing something else, something more productive. I also used to cut down on my time sleeping so that I wouldn't dream. I've spent so much time with such an unhealthy mind that even though I never really have nightmares, I'm scared of the kind of shit my subconscious could show me while I'm sleeping and totally out of control.
I was in a great mood this morning at 3:30 when I finally folded up the sewing I was working on and decided to hit the hay, but for some reason my mind still decided to sleep hard and dream dreams that disturbed me so much I couldn't get out of bed until 9 minutes before my shift at work started. The dream itself wasn't even that bad, if I described it to you then it would just sound silly, but I still had a crippling emotional reaction to it.
I need to make peace with bed time. I wish I could choose to take naps and enjoy them, I wish I could look forward to getting a full night's sleep. If there's someone with me when I go to sleep then it's not so bad, I find myself distracted and comforted.
Ah, it's weird. Maybe I should take some supplements or something? Chop my caffeine intake?

2011-01-07T02:20:00.002-04:00

Oh wow, something I just thought of:
It's really something to be able to hang out with one of your friends, and then go home and listen to music they've made. My music is on shuffle right now, and in the last 5 minutes I've heard two different Brad Religion projects.
Neat! My friends are so fucking cool!

Living the Dream

2011-01-07T01:39:00.002-04:00

Steve hit the nail right on the head today. He and I have been so busy and so productive since he got back to Halifax that neither of us has had time to be sad or crazy or self-destructive. Other than one or two difficult moment with my family, things have been swell!
Last night I tuckered myself out by playing Super Mario World with Steve until about 2am. Woke up this morning with my arms around an amazing guy, then booked it home to quickly prepare for a women's circle I was leading at my old high school on medicinal herbs and plants. (I love that school, I love those girls, I am so excited to help take over the Women's Circle curriculum!)
Steve and I then spent the afternoon running around Bayer's Lake, shopping and anti-shopping. I picked up a bunch of clothes at Value Village that I can alter and sell (trying my hardest to not need a second job), we got some treats at Bulk Barn and wandered blissfully around Chapters for quite a while.
When we got back to the city I played more video games while he recorded some songs with the Rumble Strips, then I came home and got right to sewing. It was like fate, I found a folding card table on the walk home! It was a little awkward to carry, but it has a handle and is already covered in paint stains from the previous owner's projects. One of the legs is a little fucked up, but it fits nicely into the Little Office (what I'm now calling the back chunk of my room, which Steve helped me organize into an art/working/sewing space.
Picking up my friend Molly at the airport would have been the perfect end to a perfect day, but after milling around the airport for over an hour her partner and I figured that maybe something about her flight was different than we'd thought...
Now it's the wee hours of the morning, but I'm not that tired so I'm going to finish up this skirt I started earlier. Then sleep, then work, then band practice, then probably some more craftiness. Too busy to be crazy, too productive to be sad! I hope I can keep this pace until March!

2011-01-01T14:58:00.002-04:00

Oh good, we made it.

The show was excellent, there were lots of familiar faces and a few new ones. My dad came and hung out and made friends with a weird dude (who later came up to me and assured me my dad was a solid guy), which makes me super happy. My dad is such a huge fan of all my friends. He was telling me that he was trying to explain the whole DIY folk punk scene to the people he works with (he works on Parliament hill for the federal NDP) and was apparently getting frustrated by how no one believed him that people like us exist. I'm sure that by this time next year we'll have my dad fully converted and he'll be throwing bricks and riding trains and playing a banjo.

Today I have heartburn and a sore throat (I can't help myself, when folks sing along to our band I sing along too. Forget about having actual parts that I'm supposed to sing, I just destroy my voice shouting along for the whole set), but I'm feeling good. It's nice to hang out with Steve again and actually get out of my house and be with friends.

On the agenda for today is reorganizing my room to make half of it into an office/studio/workspace where I can set up my sewing machine and a drawing table and a computer desk and shit. Exciting first project of the year! Once it's all together I'll sort through the photos I took of the show and maybe post some here or on the DIY Halifax page.

I love you guys. If we can make it through 2010 we can make it through anything.

2010-12-31T00:10:00.004-04:00

I'm both anxious and excited for the show tomorrow night. I know it's going to be a lot of fun, but I've been stressed and weird lately so I hope I can enjoy it.

Last year our New Year's show was amazing, and because of it I met some wonderful new friends from Massachusetts, but I actually had a really fucking terrible time. I guess I drank too much too quickly and decided that the only way I could get over being totally heart broken was to hear that person tell me that he didn't love me, and that we'd never be together. While I assumed it wasn't much of a request, he told me that he "couldn't lie". That was not at all what I wanted to hear (especially from someone who repeatedly told me they didn't want to play "head games") and I was totally devastated for the rest of the night.

I certainly don't expect anything like that to happen again, but I can't help but feel haunted by it.

This year there's no drinking and no ultimatums, but I am playing a set with a band that never practices or plays shows anymore, and I have to work until "close", and I have no idea when that is. I'm going to miss most of the show I'm helping host, and it's a piss off.

While things have definitely been tough for me over the last little while, I'm not a total bummer (as I feel my updates might imply).

For example, I decided to keep track of every hitchhiking ride I got in 2010, and since I'm not planning on thumbing it anywhere in the next 24 hours, it looks like the final number is 61. I was in 61 different strange vehicles this year over 8 different trips of varying lengths and distances. I'd say that's pretty decent! I've been having a lot of dreams about trains lately, but I still really really love to hitch hike. My parents get really worried and I completely understand why, but I've had such wonderful experiences that it's really hard for me to feel like I'm doing something dangerous. I can't wait for the days to get longer and the cold wind to fuck off so I can get on the road again. Having said, my pen pal in Richmond, Virginia told me in a letter today that you can get a bus from Toronto to RVA for $40. Super tempting.

Also, even though at this moment I'm still missing them, people I'm fond of are back in the city, and I have plans to make pumpkin waffles shaped like lions tomorrow morning.

tippy tower

2010-12-30T02:07:00.005-04:00

I find it ironic that on the same day I'm given an amazing new camera by a close friend, two other close friends tell me that I'm a lousy photographer, that the last two years worth of photos I've taken might as well not exist.

I was going to turn this into a photo blog in the new year, and post at least one picture every single day. After last night, I figured I'd just give up and stop taking photos all together.

Right now I'm sort of back to square one, where I'm going to try to figure out this new camera (it was given to me because it's broken. there's some loose connections and the lens is stuck zoomed in a little), but from now on be extra careful about the pictures I choose to share with people.

Today I fucked around with the new camera during a game of Jenga with Cory, Ryley, Matt, Jawsh, Sonny, Kelly, Birdee, and Cud. The focus is really finicky, but I like the colours on this camera much more.

Thanks, Cory.

p.s. upon further review, the thumbnails for the pictures look really shitty and compressed. I'd recommend clicking-through to the larger size.

2010-12-27T18:00:00.001-04:00

I haven't been out of bed all day.

Being so sick you can't eat or sleep is a CRUEL HOLIDAY JOKE.

2010-12-25T12:48:00.001-04:00

I'm 22, and I'm still getting temporary tattoos in my stocking.
At least it's been a while since the days of getting a sparkly pink candle in the shape of the word "PUNK", but sometimes I feel like that's still how my parents see me.

2010-12-20T12:21:00.002-04:00

I found this quote on Petrushka B's tumblr. I feel like there are lot of people I wish I could explain this to, who just can't understand why someone with good friends, a good home and a good family could be depressed.

"People think depression is about being sad. They think it’s just when you ‘feel down’. It’s not. It’s like a darkness that creeps over you and fills you. It drains all your emotions. It takes everything from you, and leaves you feeling hollow and numb. It’s not sadness, it’s not anger, it’s hopelessness. Imagine waking up and there being no color. Walking outside and feeling no wind. Eating a meal and tasting nothing. Holding someone and feeling completely alone at the same time. When you’re depressed, it’s not a bad mood. It’s a numb, empty, hollowness that seems to never leave. It’s feeling alone in a room full of people. You feel like there’s no hope left"

Yesterday after work I finally got my garlic tattoo coloured in. It looks lovely, but we're not quite sure if it's finished, just going to let it heal up for now. Let me tell you, getting your arm tattooed in the winter is a stupid move! Putting on sweaters really hurts! I suppose tattooing any part of your body that gets cold is a bad move in the winter. From now on, spring and summer tattoos only.

After the tattoo, I walked a couple blocks up North street to go to a christmas party for work. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't really that fun. Everyone there has known eachother forever and knew eachother's partners and they all have pretty similar lifestyles. I felt like such a black sheep showing up late with my arm all bandaged up and my secret santa gift wrapped in newspaper and packing tape.

We ate fancy hors d'oeuvres and everyone got progressively drunker and louder. After we exchanged gifts I booked it out of there, got home around 10:30 and went right to bed.

Now I have another entire week off work. I don't think I have enough hours now to qualify for holiday pay.

2010-12-18T18:01:00.000-04:00

Sharpie pens are just the worst! I'm so frustrated!

analogue

2010-12-18T17:12:00.002-04:00

A mix tape I'm working on. Someone is going to get this in the mail!

Jae and I were busking earlier this week, and this young hipster-y couple walked by and dropped two little monthly comics into (onto) our case. I never really liked monthly comics, but they're perfect for collage. Especially when they have ridiculous text.

FINALLY

2010-12-17T12:59:00.003-04:00

Winter time on Cornwallis street!

p.s. just noticed that the colours in the photos match the color scheme for the blog. Weird! Convenient!

p.p.s. Totally got out of bed at 11:45. Big time fail. I did, however, have a really disturbing dream so I'm cutting myself some slack.

2010-12-17T02:30:00.002-04:00

Ok, so I didn't clean my room, but I did draw a kind of spooky picture and figured out a Broken Social Scene song on the banjo. A fair trade, I think.

I'm making a promise to myself right now that I'm going to be out of bed by 10am tomorrow (today). That's not even that unreasonable.

glum

2010-12-16T11:59:00.002-04:00

I've been having a really hard time getting out of bed lately. It's not so bad when I work at 10 or 11 am, because obviously I have to get up, in the last little while I've had a lot of days off and night shifts. It's not that I'm particularly tired or anything (although I stay up until around 2 or 3 am), I just kind of lay there and stare out at my room and don't feel like moving.

It's weird, it hasn't even been that cold lately, but I'm really worried this winter depression shit is creeping up again. I've been having more than the usual fights with my body, I can be bothered to clean my room, I've been sleeping in super late, and I haven't made any plans to spend time with people. Four good friends of mine left the city yesterday, and I didn't make any effort to go and say goodbye.

I feel like as long as I'm recognizing the changes in my behaviour, then I'll be able to help myself out a little, but I'm still scared. Last night I scrubbed down the shower and bath tub (I don't want to talk about it), did all the dishes, and went and bought healthy groceries (fruit, veggies, keffir!!!).

I was out of bed today before the noon cannon (which is my usual marker for whether I'm wasting my day or not) and made myself a smoothie for breakfast (seriously, peach keffir. mango. vanilla almond milk!). I don't work until 5pm, so I'm going to try to be as productive as possible before then. In addition to cleaning my room and working on some art, I think I'm going to go sign up for a gym membership. I remember working out used to make me happy, but I'm also scared that it wasn't so much the endorphine rush as it was managing to burn off more calories than I'd eaten that day.

I seriously have no idea how to be healthy, in mind or body.

Ghost Boners

2010-12-11T21:53:00.003-04:00

Tonight I drew. I can't be bothered to investigate this "scanner" situation, so instead I took pictures of my sketchbook with my shitty built-in webcam. Punx!

Last night I was walking home from a FLAP (Feminist League for Agitation Propaganda) potluck with Molly and Nik. As we walked by the Paragon (semi-obnoxious bar/club near my house), we realized that instead of the regular group of schwasted party-goers there was, in fact, a bunch of roller derby girls hanging around outside. Since when does Halifax have roller derby?!? Anyway, Molly and I (having spent the evening drinking wine and hot toddies and talking about sex with feminists) were so stoked on the derby girls that we got boners. Invisible, girl-boners! GHOST BONERS! We decided to start a punk band called Ghost Boner (earlier in the night I also suggested starting an all-lady punk band called The Nuns, but I don't think anyone was super keen on it).

So tonight, I drew myself and Molly, ghost boners and all. Is this NSFW? Somehow I doubt it. Besides, who do I know that actually has a job? (other that you, Cory)

The text reads: "Rosie & Molly are stoked about their GHOST BONERS"

Slightly more close up, hopefully the invisible boners are more visible.

This blog went from 0 to 10 11 boners in one post! Wow!

p.s. It should be noted that both Molly and I should be dressed head to toe in black, but that gets boring. Also, I have a little pen. Use your imagination.

downswing

2010-12-11T01:27:00.002-04:00

Fucking winter.

I took the time today to finish lightening my hair. It's done, it's the colour I want it to be, it's nothing like any hair I've ever had.

Cory asked me to post a photo when it was done, but I actually can't bring myself to take a picture and post it. I took about 5, and deleted them all. Sorry, Sea, you'll have to wait and see it in person.

Not stoked! NOT STOKED!

Can I please have back my body from December 2006?

Please?

H Dub

2010-12-09T12:43:00.004-04:00

If anyone is ever on a hunt for a cute kitten, one need look no further than my bedroom window.

xHoneyxWheatx and I had a bit of a photo shoot this morning, wanna take a look?

*Edited to add bonus pictures of Ruckus and Honey Wheat "grooming":

piss and comics

2010-12-07T21:52:00.003-04:00

Someone told me once that every smell has an opposite smell that completely counters it.

They also told me that the exact opposite smell for dead bodies is cinnamon.

Anyone want to hazard a guess on what the opposite smell is for cat piss? Cause it sure as hell ain't an ill-gotten vanilla candle.

In other news, I turned the desk in my room into a functional work space. For the last couple months a totally defunct desktop computer was taking up the entire thing, so I did what any sensible person would do - I threw it into my ridiculously large closet so I can forget about it.

Now I've got a spot for my laptop that gets great internet reception, and I can hook up my computer speakers (which I found in my ridiculously large closet! who knew! maybe I did at one point, but since forgot!). This means I've spent the last few hours downloading, listening to internet radio, collaging, and trying to draw comics. I guess I'm trying to find my style or something, I don't know. I want to draw comics, but I keep getting hung up on shit like "Pupils or no pupils? Elbows or no elbows? How can I make this look less like anime and more like real life? How do I make myself look fat but not pregnant?". It's tougher than I expected. I really just want to be the next Liz Prince or Jeffery Brown, but I think I'm way too much of a perfectionist, and I'm having a hard time simplifying things.

Apparently we have a scanner now? Maybe I'll do some sketches and put them up here, y'all can tell me what you think.

Consent

2010-12-06T19:39:00.004-04:00

OH YEAH.

in 4 days, I'm leading a circle of roughly 50 young women (aged 12-18) on sexual politics and consent.

I'm both terrified and elated.

What do you wish you had been told when you were in highschool?

Lately

2010-12-06T15:59:00.005-04:00

Lots has been going on these days, and I've been pretty stoked about everything.

Last year I was so ready to have an amazing winter and not let seasonal depression (I kinda hate the "SAD" acronym, it seems really belittling) get to me. Despite my best efforts my heart was broken into itty bitty pieces and I spent the entire winter feeling like I was drowning in tar.

THIS YEAR, however, I'm confident. Things are going great.

Over to the right there, you might notice some rather cute folks (Steve, Matt, Jawsh, and Ryley) hanging out with a monstrous blueberry. This is from when Mistake Makers went on "tour" to Moncton, NB. We're going places (haha)! We played at the Paramount with our friends, The Fuckin' Gummi Bears and another group that I think was called Black Tape. The Gummi Bears were fucking awesome, it's so rare that bands make me want to dance, especially at bars. I can't wait for these guys to tour and release some shit. Black Tape was all right, but their bass player was like, the epitome of the kind of person I would never want to hang out with. We spent the night at Josue's (bass player for the Gummi Bears), and as always he was a perfect host.

The next day we drove back to Halifax, and Steve and I had a really nice date night. Even though I work in a restaurant that's like, middling to high fanciness, I'm not used to going out. Also considering the fact that most of my friends/partners are unemployed dirty skids, traditional dates don't come up often.

We had Thai food and went and played chess at Paper Chase (the picture is of my king being completely fucked over. It was humiliating.).

Steve is great. This morning I accompanied him (and my room mate, Sonny) to the airport, and by now he's probably back in Edmonton. He's back home for the next 3 1/2 weeks, which is a bit of a bummer but really not that bad. There's so much happening this month that I don't really have time to miss him (that sounds like an asshole thing to say). Christmas is fucking soon, and I need to start crafting my ass off if I'm going to be anything short of a delinquent this year. I only work around 15 hours a week, so I really don't have any disposable income.

I am, however, going to be starting a new batch of homebrew this week, possibly even tonight. The idea was to have beer ready for our New Years Eve show, but I think it might be a little too late. Kelly and Ryley will both have beers ready, so that should be enough. I want to make something with maple in it, and right now I'm looking at a maple-pumpkin ale, which I think would be really nice to have around once it starts getting snowy and windy and shitty.

(Kelly & Sonny, in this year's only snow fall a couple weeks ago.)

Oh Heck

2010-11-29T14:20:00.003-04:00

How did I forget how gross the inside of dreads are?

To anyone whose face has ever been close to the back of my head, I'm so sorry.

I think I like myself best when I've had very little sleep, especially if that spreads out over the course of a few days. I find myself more creative, more productive, and less hesitant.

Last night I stayed up until 1am re-learning how to knit on double-pointed needles (fingerless gloves- I WILL master you this winter!), listening to a mix that Steve made me (I am getting an education in emo). This morning I got up in time for the food bank (around 7:30am), read a bunch of short stories, brought home excessive amounts of food, made my dad a mix cd, wrote some e-mails, and now I'm CUTTING OFF ALL OF MY HAIR.

It's ok, it's been a long time coming. I know I wrote an in-depth post a while back about how sentimental my dreads are and how I could never sacrifice them, but to be perfectly honest I've just gotten bored with them. I have the rest of my life to commit to sentimental hair stylings, for now I just want to be creative and spontaneous and shit.

Pics once the process is complete.... maybe. I'm doing this by feel and haven't looked in a mirror yet, so maybe I'll be super crushed by the results and not let anybody see my head for the next six months.

On an unrelated topic, is it normal to want to keep in touch and correspond with someone, but never ever ever ever want to see them again?

one two three four ONETWOTHREEFOUR!

2010-11-20T23:56:00.002-04:00

The show tonight was awesome!

I took lots of photos, but I've decided to not post show photos/video/reviews here anymore.

This is because my amazing room mate/best friend Ryley has started up a new blog that is specifically for this purpose!

It's called D.I.Y Halifax, and although it's very new and there's not much going on currently, I expect it to start thriving in the next few weeks. We've all got lots of shows and projects coming together, and my dedication to taking blurry, slightly yellow-tinged photos of my friends playing music is unwavering. So check the new blog frequently to learn about upcoming shows, or to relive the old ones.

I'm still going to be updating this blog of course, it will just be more of the inane daily work/home/pets/friends/relationship shit, and probably the occasional babbling introspective journeys.

Stay warm!

make a sad, sad song

2010-11-20T12:04:00.002-04:00

Ruckus is, for the most part, back to normal.

She still looks like a cow-print floor lamp for now, but her bandages are off and her incision is clean and healing. It's still another week and half before she gets her stitches out, and I still have to give her antibiotics twice a day, but she's in a noticeably better mood.

She purrs, cuddles, and tries (and fails) to jump on things, just like she used to.

In cooler news, Mistake Makers (the best band ever) is playing their (our) first show ever tonight. Of the 6 people that "follow" this blog, 2 actually live in Halifax, and one of those 2 is in the band with me. So... at least there's one person guaranteed to be there.

Tell yer friends, come dance your faces off at the purple house on North street!

this is breaking my heart

2010-11-16T15:36:00.003-04:00

I just brought Ruckus home from the vet, once again. After another surgery, she now has an e-collar, and a massive bandage around her waist.

As soon as I let her out of her carrier, she started flailing around and bucking. It's like she has no control of her body. She rolled over, and I could see the bottom of her incision poking out from under the bandage, which has fresh blood on it. I called the vet to ask about this, and now they want me to bring her back so they can look at it.

This will be the fourth vet visit in a week and I can't fucking take any more. I can't even stand looking at her.

This is why no one should have a pet. Why did we ever start fucking with domesticating animals?

If Laurie had gotten Lt. Dan fixed, I wouldn't be dealing with this now. If his co-worker had gotten her cat fixed, there would be a lot fewer cats in Halifax.

I am not ready for this shit. It is a damn good thing I can at least afford it.

Field Trip

2010-11-15T23:08:00.003-04:00

Well, I quit the Indian take-out job. It wasn't a bad job, it was just boring as hell. Also, I definitely can't swing the whole two jobs at once thing, and the second job I got is SO. MUCH. COOLER.

Not only do I get to wear a sweet black chef's jacket (I'm sure many people would not deem this a perk, but it makes me look so bad ass, especially paired with the dread-mullet-hawk), but the staff is amazing (the servers are hilarious and brilliant, the chef is a rad young lady, and the whole place is owned by a really inspiring older queer woman), the food is great, and we get to go on FIELD TRIPS!

Apparently this happens once a month, so for our November trip we went down to Lunenburg county to meet some folks who have a certified organic vineyard, and are going to be supplying the restaurant with organic garlic.

LOCAL ORGANIC GARLIC CAN YOU TELL THAT I AM EXCITED!

The farm wasn't overly impressive since it's, like, winter, but the couple was incredibly friendly and really excited to meet us and tell us everything about their operation. Apparently their grapes are sold to L'Acadie winery and they get turned into $40 bottles of brut. Fancy!

Grape vines, sadly bare. They told us grapes prefer south-facing slopes.

They're going to turn that shed into a sugar shack!

Organic wine, maple syrup, and garlic. everything a person needs.

Spooky old barn, with spooky old tools.

Spooky fuckin' chain collection.

Spooky carriage!

I managed to snag a bulb of the garlic and cooked with it when I got home, it was so amazing. I'm going to use one or two more cloves (probably just to eat raw since I'm definitely getting a cough) and then I'm going to plant the rest. Someone told me that garlic takes 2 years to mature, but apparently that isn't the case? Whatever! If I get one plant, I'll be very excited.

seriously fuck november

2010-11-14T02:57:00.004-04:00

A bad night is:

-Getting locked out of the apartment, late at night, with just a hoodie for outer wear.

-Not being welcome in the apartment upstairs, so unable to hang out until my room mates get home

-Not feeling comfortable at the only other house I usually go to

-Finally getting into the apartment and realizing that my cat's incision from getting spayed is bleeding

-Taking a cab to my mom's house, picking up her car, and driving to the emergency animal hospital in Burnside (getting lost on the way) at 2am.

-Hearing from the vet that Ruckus' condition was "pretty awful" and that she needs an e-collar, anti-biotics, and surgery.

-Paying for afore-mentioned e-collar and anti-biotics

-Crying in the corner of my bedroom because somehow my cat managed to slip out of her collar and I had no idea how to put it back on her and she was terrified and wouldn't hold still and smelled really strongly of blood and I feel like a fucking failure.

I managed to get the collar back on, and she's finally settled down, but I don't know for how long. Also, she's sleeping on my blankets which are in a heap, so I'd have to move her to use them. Maybe I'll just sleep without blankets tonight.
I have to take her to her usual vet first thing on monday morning, which really fucking sucks because that means I'll have to miss the "field trip" that my work is taking. Instead of going to the south shore and planting garlic for an organic vineyard (I've been looking forward to this since my interview), I'm going to take my cat to get cut open again because I'm a terrible pet owner.

To make matters worse, it's been exactly one year and one day since everything went to shit last year. Maybe I'm cursed to have shit fall apart mid-november?

tradition

2010-11-07T20:49:00.007-04:00

Last night, while I was taking photos of the various bands, I was trying my hardest to keep the super blurry photos to a minimum. I don't really know what I'm doing, so I have a hard time getting clear photos of bands, especially in dark rooms (I hate flash) with artists that move a lot while they play.

Having said that, it's kind of a tradition for me to take super blurry pictures of Mogli playing. Here are some highlights.

South End Shed Show

2010-11-06T23:20:00.009-03:00

There was a show tonight in what was originally referred to as a "shed". It was not a fucking shed! It had high ceilings and hanging lanterns and a wood stove and rugs!

In any case, it was an all right show. It went on forever, but people I love played the music that I love so I went and I sang along and, of course, took photos.

What nine punks look like, on a mission from the North end to the South.

Steve Believe wasn't initially part of the lineup, but he's the best, so he played some tunes. It makes me a little sad that someone asked him to play a cover, since his original stuff is so good.

Tucker and Sam, playing Ash Cats covers... Kind of awkward.

They're talented, but it was a weird choice.

Saiyen Yendall, first time I've actually seen her play.

Really neat guitar stuff, wish she sang a little bit more confidently.

Lis. Very cute songs, but I really don't have the attention span anymore.

The Rumble Strips! One of the best new bands on the scene.

Steve decided he wanted to be "punk", so he stole my vest...

Mogli. Actually played some songs tonight I didn't know all the words to.

I'm slipping as her number one fan!

Ryley and Steve aren't a band, they're just the most adorable people on the planet.

Snail Party (+ Steve)

powerful, great tunes, great friends, super photogenic.

That was my night, now I'm sitting around the kitchen table with Kelly, Sonny, and Jawsh. Eating icecream and talking about art school.

Work in the morning, then a date, then band practice, then the first weekly OrFUNage night (room mate board games). Great weekend, IMHO.

smoky bacon fume

2010-11-06T15:21:00.002-03:00

Ok, so I don't normally write about food because I find it triggering and stupid, but HOLY SHIT, I just made coconut bacon!

Bacon! Out of coconut!

I've had it before, from a restaurant in Montreal called Au Vivre, and it was super fucking delicious. Today I discovered that I have access to pretty much all the unsweetened coconut in the world, so I figured it was about time to give it a go.

I threw in a bunch of smoked paprika, salt, liquid smoke, and oil, and then toasted it in a frying pan until it was browned, and now I'm eating it on a sandwich with red onion, avocado, soynaise, and jalapeño* havarti.

Eating the best sandwich, listening to some of my favorite people have band practice in the next room, being done work for the day at 3pm.

Feeling pretty good!

*My spell check corrected "jalapeno" to include the squiggly** thing! Neat!

**Apparently "squiggly" is a real word, according to the same spell check!

bag O' milk

2010-11-04T23:39:00.001-03:00

Today is my cat's first birthday! Even though sometimes I make fun of her intelligence or her girth, I really love her a lot. She's very sweet, and will usually sleep with me at night, sometimes under the covers. I remember tearing up the first time I ever heard her purr.

I took her to the vet this week so she could catch up on all her vaccinations, and next week I'm taking her back so she can get spayed. I really should have taken care of this sooner, but I lucked out and she's never really been outside long enough to get preggers.

There are definitely times when I realize how bad of an idea it is for young punks to have pets. I love Ruckus to pieces, but I really haven't been financially stable enough to take care of her (my mom, who referred to herself as "grandma", is footing the bill for Ruckus' medical shit). I also feel like a huge jerk whenever I go away long enough for my room mates to have to take care of her.

Oh well, regardless I'm still looking forward to many more years with her.

Happy birthday, bag of milk!

Freedom!

2010-10-31T23:44:00.000-03:00

I just deleted my facebook account!

Devil's Night

2010-10-31T00:37:00.008-03:00

Last year, my Hallowe'en was completely ruined by the onset of what I assume was food poisoning about an hour before I was supposed to head out of the house. When I tell people that my Hallowe'en last year sucked because I got sick, most assume that I just got wasted, when the fact of the matter is that before I even got a chance to put on my costume I was puking my guts out. This continued at least once every hour until about 6am. I have never felt so awful.

This year's Hallowe'en is already off to a much better start, as I just got back from a really nice show over at the lovely Flood Haus.

There were some great costumes...

Ryley as a marine iguana (in love?)

Travis is Steve, Steve is Travis!

Uh, please trust me that this is hilarious!

(and sort of brings up conflicting feelings in me!)

Beyon is a jackalope.

Not pictured: adorable fluffy tail.

Also not pictured is my last minute costume idea of being a "fuckin' hippie". I essentially just wore everything I've ever purchased at the Black Market, dumped a bunch of patchouli on my dreads, and made a few festival wristbands out of paper (Evolve, Burning Man, Shambhala). I also carried around my hula hoop, which was a little annoying. (true to the spirit of my costume, I guess). Blessings!

Everyone who played was super great, and super attractive.

Here's the proof:

Taylor (as John Lennon)

Taylor has a really beautiful heart (and I'm not just saying this because I'm wearing a hemp skirt and a bunch of Tibetan jewelry and smell like I did when I was 16) and it really shows through his music. I love it when people are able to write powerful lyrics and have technically impressive music to back it up. Tay gets really nervous when he plays, but he'd better get over it because he's amazing and I know he's got a lot of shows in his future.

Travesty (as Steve Believe)

I love this boy to death. Best banjo player I know, and he's so passionate about music. He's also one of my favorite people to photograph, partly because he's adorable/has a great aesthetic, and partly because of how much he emotes when he's playing music. He plays a lot of sad songs, but they're so so beautiful.

Whimsy & Spite.

Kelly (as a GNARwhal)

Sunny (as Hunter S. Thompson)

Steve Believe (as Travesty International)

Sorry for the blurry photos. It's bound to happen if I'm taking pictures of people moving quickly in a dimly lit room with my shitty camera. Oh well?

Kelly and Sunny are my room mates, which rules because it means I get to hear Kelly practicing all the time, and I'm usually one of the first people to hear her new songs. Her music is usually cute, and bittersweet. She uses really silly imagery to get across pretty important subjects like sexism, loneliness, death, etc. Hamsters and ducks, whales and chickens, broken hearts and polluted harbours. She used to have a cello accompany her, but I like this new line up a lot as well. (I wish I had better pictures of Sunny's costume, it was so perfect! Also Kelly's which was mostly a trucker hat that said "GNAR" on it, with a giant white tusk sticking off of it)

Steve Believe & the Emotionally Crippled Narcissists

Jawsh (as Mark David Chapman)

Matt (as Ash/Bruce Campbell)

and also Tay is in there playing bass somewhere

Steve claims to hate folk punk, but you know what? He still plays the acoustic guitar and hitchhikes and has a dreaded rat tail. I haven't heard any nineties emo songs about any of that!

But seriously, Steve is awesome. His songs are super raw and come straight from his gut to kick you straight in yours. He usually plays solo, but I can only imagine how great it must feel to have all your best friends help you bare your soul to a room half filled with strangers (not that the room was half-full, but that at least half the people there were also friends with Steve. It's kind of hard not to be friends with Steve, he's a sweetheart.)

Snail Party

Mogli (as a unicorn)

Beyon (jackalope)

Ryley (marine iguana)

Will (beer sloth)

Feather (fox)

Caitlin (Hammerhead shark)

The ever-amazing Snail Party finished off the night. Always a good time! They played a couple covers, some really gorgeous originals, and ended up showering the crowd in tiny chocolate bars. This band has such great chemistry! Mogli and Beyon have such powerful voices, and they blend together so well. Apparently these folks are saving up to buy a van, so if you don't live in Halifax then get ready to check them out when they tour near you.

Now I'm fucking exhausted, mostly because this internet connection is so slow that it's taken hours to upload all these pictures. Auggh. Tomorrow means pancakes at Food Not Bombs and handing out candy at night with Ryley.

A strange coincidence

2010-10-30T01:09:00.001-03:00

Tonight I texted the words "Kick her out" to two different people.

Weird.

plus one

2010-10-28T11:04:00.002-03:00

And because Cory is both a whiny baby, and extensively good-looking, here's a photo of him where is face isn't getting smushed.

There's something in the water

2010-10-27T20:31:00.005-03:00

I just wasted the last hour or so browsing a tumblr called PUNKS I'D LIKE TO FUCK (emphasis theirs), and it just made me think about how beautiful my friends are. Like, the individuals I see every day are way more gorgeous than anyone I saw on there (except for the 3 punks I saw on there that I know).

Just thought I'd point it out.

and sometimes I feel okay about the way I look

Jiggity Jig

2010-10-26T20:12:00.004-03:00

I'm home I'm home I'm home I'm home!

Ever since I was a kid, I've never been able to spend more than a couple of weeks away from this city without getting super duper homesick. It's weird, I love to travel, but this city is so comfortable and welcoming to me.

I was super close to spending this rainy day lounging around, taking a day to get back into Halifax mode, but honestly I can't afford to do that. I love my home and my friends and my family and my cat, and none of them are going to benefit unless I get off my ass and get a job.

Ok, so I did lounge around a little today in the guise of a 4 hour chess & coffee date (swoon). Whatever, I think it was productive! Apparently I can play chess? Weird!

It was also beneficial since all the resumes I have printed off are in my closet (buried under everything I own), which for the moment is still sub-let, so since I was already downtown I was able to print off some shiny fresh resumes at the library.

I handed out 4, and I've already got an interview set up for tomorrow! It may be at a super bourgeois crepe restaurant, currently gentrifucking an amazing North End neighborhood, but it's something. Also, it's potentially a position as a line cook, which would be some super awesome experience.

I also applied at an Indian take-out place, and for some reason I reeeeally want them to call me. Is that weird? There's just something so comforting about the idea of spending the winter up to my elbows in curry.

Wednesdays are pretty great

2010-10-06T14:49:00.003-03:00

I'm still kind of reeling from my shitty past few days, but I'm definitely feeling better.

I had a really beautiful moment today of rolling across the commons on a long board, cuddled up to a newly purchased batch of wort. Ryley and I transport many things across the city on long boards (beer, guitar amps, our punk rock selves) and there's something about it that just feels kind of cute and honest. Now I'm sitting at the kitchen table with my room mates, a packet of liquid yeast stuffed down the front of my overalls (so it activates faster), listening to sad songs and waiting to go to band practice. It's nice.

I hope this beautiful weather keeps up, as I'm hitting the road tomorrow. I'm going to be away from Halifax for the next month, getting some traveling in before the snow and making some money in Ontario so I can put off getting a job for just a little bit longer.

fuck mondays

2010-10-05T18:23:00.002-03:00

Sticking around in a crowded house, with my rapist in the next room, so that I could play some out-of-tune songs with my drunk and aggressive room mate and then carrying my guitar home in the rain was not actually how I had wanted to spend my evening.

Nowhere is safe anymore. And no one cares anymore.

Punx tour the Island

2010-10-01T03:53:00.015-03:00

We (The Official Suckers) played a show in PEI with Kit Wilson-Yang and our good friends Story and Cud. Our buddies Mogli and Steve Believe came along, and a damn good time was had!

I really, really love the ferry. We played bananagrams (not pictured) and stood around in the wind, watching the red dirt get closer and closer.

My friends are absolutely gorgeous.

Even Mogli, even when she makes the above facial expression.

Story.

Cud Eastbound

The show was a lot of fun. It was at a bar I've been to before, and they were kind of pricey but it didn't matter since I wasn't drinking anyway. Folks seemed to enjoy us, and they REALLY enjoyed Kit's set! An encore was demanded!
It was a good end to the little tour. We dumpstered some doughnuts (did you know that in PEI, the Tim Horten's have completely separate green bins to put their coffee grounds in so that you don't get doughnuts covered in coffee? GENIUS! Also, I wonder if there are any people reading this who don't know what this means at all....), I got to drive the van back to Story and Cud's cabin in the woods, and we drank tea by lamplight, shared stories and went to bed.I tell ya, every time I go to the Land, I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm either cold or I have to pee or both. The fire has usually gone out, and I'm not one to get up in the pitch black and head out into coyote country to find to the outhouse, so I usually just try to sleep it off, but I almost always end up just rolling around uncomfortably until daylight.

Story and Cud have hens! I'm super jealous! They're all round and fat and make the most ridiculous noises. They smelled terrible and none of them laid while I was there, but I still thought they were cool as heck. I wanted to pick one up and squeeze them.

Autumn means house shows!

2010-09-25T12:11:00.008-03:00

Summer is officially over, my room mate/best friend has returned home from her travels, and Halifax is starting to feel normal again.

This means, of course, that we had the first house show of the season at the Roarphanage last night.

Mogli's new band, Snail Party, started the show. It was originally just her and Beyon, but somehow while I was away the band exploded to something like 6 or 7 members.

They were really fantastic. Everyone who plays in this band (I don't know if the photos are clear enough, but there's banjo, guitar, violin, cello, accordion, and saw) is amazing at their instrument. I'm so excited for there to be a group with a string section!

Sockfoot played after, more cello, more beautiful tunes. I am so excited for Mary (the guitarist on the left) to finally record. I don't think I'd ever take her album out of my stereo.

Kit Wilson-Yang, from Montreal, played third. (This is probably the clearest shot I have, they move a much while playing...). I am suuuuuuch a fan, it's kind of hard to be normal around them, you know? I first heard them last summer at a show at Pacific Flavour, and then we played with them last winter when we toured through Ottawa. I have to stop myself from singing their songs too loudly around the house...

We're (The Official Suckers) are doing a mini-tour through the maritimes with Kit over the next few days. We played Moncton a few nights ago, and then we're going to play in PEI on Sunday.

I don't have any photos from our set, but as you can see Ronnie Boy was doing a great job of promoting Mogli's merch, dinosaurs are excited that Pumpkin Ale is in season again (it is seriously the best beer!), and Mogli is absolutely the cutest in the world.

There goes my posi

2010-09-22T12:41:00.002-03:00

Um fuck.
Despite being super-cautious, and preaching consent, and doing what I thought was constantly checking in with my partners, I managed to twice cross boundaries and make someone uncomfortable (in a row!) without realizing it.

I feel super shitty and lost a lot of sleep about it. On the one hand, I wish they had told me the first time that something I was doing was making them uncomfortable, but on the other hand I should not have assumed anything. I should have asked questions, and because I didn't I caused a super weird rift between us.

It's a good thing that this person and I are on great terms and are quite close, so I know we can work past this.

I feel like I've learned a lot, and I know I'll be less inclined to fuck up like this in the future (I'm going to be realistic here and not say I'll never make that mistake again. I'm human.), I just wish it hadn't come at this expense.

Sex is complicated and weird. Are we ever going to get it right?

Hey girl, you're the prettiest thing I've seen all day. That smile looks good on you.

2010-08-07T02:51:00.002-03:00

The above comment was directed towards me last week as I was walking home from busking downtown. I was kind of deep in thought, so I didn't have time to react the way I normally do to cat-calling: with disgust. I was caught off guard, threw him a quick smile and mumbled "Thanks".

After walking a few steps, I realised what had happened and was surprised at myself. Actually, I think I was more surprised at the fact that the man had said anything to me at all.

Back when I was in highschool, that kind of event was much more common. I used to get shouted at, honked at, hit on in bars, whatever. But things have changed since then. Recovering from my eating disorder means I've gained a significant amount of weight, but becoming more comfortable with my self and having amazing support from wonderful people means I've been better equipped to handle it. I'm gradually getting closer to genuinely liking my body, but it's a long fuckin' road.

Sometimes I feel like I willingly descend into "ugliness". There are times when I look at myself in the mirror and am repulsed by what I see, but somehow I find it satisfying. Maybe this is me seeking empowerment? I don't know, maybe I'm trying to strike a balance between looking the way I want, and liking the way I look.

I can't really decide what I want more, to be ultimately happy with however I look, or to finally achieve the sort of appearance I've been striving for. It's really fucking tough.

Whichever one gives me more confidence, the better. Honestly, I think my discomfort with my body is holding me back from having the kind of relationships I want to have with people. I'm still very guarded and shy most of the time, and don't take many risks at all. It fucking sucks.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I didn't get offended when that man spoke to me on the street, but after 9 months of being single, pretty lonely, and feeling rather down on myself, I was flattered.

A nest for birds, there ain't no word for the beauty, the splendor, the wonder of my HAAAAAAAAIR

2010-07-19T01:00:00.002-03:00

Right now I'm struggling with sacrifice. I have an incredibly shitty job at the moment, so I'm sacrificing my time and energy and, to be honest, a large chunk of my soul.

This job is actually in second place for worst job I've ever had. The title-holder for that was my two week stint at a collections agency where I was referred to as a "dialer bunny" and spend several hours a night sitting in a cubicle in a neighboring city getting screamed at over the phone by people who just could not afford to pay their hospital bills. I seriously pray that I will never have a worse job than that, but the one I have now is significantly shitty.

I got my first job when I was 16. A friend of mine was working at Cinnabon in the mall and put in a good word for me, and somehow I landed the job without an interview. It honestly wasn't that terrible. I worked very hard and received very little recognition, but the job was easy and it was neat to be able to actually bake things.
They had a pretty standard dress code/appearance policy at Cinnbon. No visible piercings or tattoos, no coloured hair, blah blah. After a while I started to see how far I could push the boundaries of their policies. I died the top layer of my hair hot pink, but left the underneath brown so that when my hair was in a pony tail and I wore a hat, you really couldn't tell it was dyed unless you looked very close. I also stopped taking out my eyebrow barbell, which was kind of hilarious since a fellow I worked with continued to cover his with an enormous band-aid.
The only comments I ever received about my appearance were from customers, and they were entirely positive (sometimes, uh, too positive. I had to hide in the back room from a certain exceptionally creepy older dude.).

Over the years, and through many different jobs, my appearance has drastically changed. I'm sure if I went to apply for a job at the mall these days I would get laughed out the door.
The best job I've ever had was working for the independent video rental store, Video Difference. That place spoiled me so much! Absolutely no dress code, other than having to wear the black staff t-shirt. Other than that I was able to wear my patch pants, dye my hair, stretch my ears, and have visible tattoos. I think at my most extreme, I had 3/4 inch ear lobes, dread locks, and a vertical bridge piercing (I essentially had my forehead pierced). My boss didn't care, customers thought I was "neat", and my appearance never once stopped me from doing my job as a store supervisor.

Like I said, I was spoiled by that job, because now I'm trying desperately to find a new one and I think I'm in trouble. This is where the idea of sacrifice comes up. I know that I'm absurdly hire-able, especially for someone my age, but at this point the idea of having to cut my hair or hide my tattoos really upsets me. My dread mullet, while it may look kind of ridiculous or disgusting, is actually very important to me. 10 of the dreads were given to me by people who are very special to me (the first dread I attached I've actually removed since a) it smelled like a dead dog and b) belonged to an abusive ex-partner. It did get the ball rolling, though.). I also have a bottle cap that was given to me by the old drummer of my band, a vertebra that I found at the bone yard, a seashell that I found at the Halifax catch-out and several other important relics decorating my dreads. This isn't just my hair, it's an ongoing sentimental art project, and I'm just not ready to cut it all off so I can sell shoes to bourgeois fucks.

I don't know what to do. On the one hand, everything is impermanent. I could cut my hair off, get a job, and just grow it back later. On the other hand, I know that I'll never be happy if I continue to sacrifice who I am so I can get a shit job and make money to spend on what, beer? Records? Beer and records are great, but I can live without them. I need to pay rent and I need to feed my cat, but other than that nothing is worth sacrificing my happiness.

I guess this was just a long winded way of asking if anyone has any leads on cool jobs in the HRM?

Security culture

2010-06-26T00:23:00.002-03:00

This week I engaged in an activity that I rarely even think about - fighting on the internet.

Granted, I spend a fair amount of time reading over things online that make me very angry, and then spend even more time griping about them to my friends in "real life", but there are very few instances where I feel compelled to actually jump in and say my piece.

A couple of days ago, a friend of mine was criticized (on facebook, full disclosure) for having joined a group whose aim was to support those who had been arrested in relation to the fire bombing of an Ottawa RBC. This dude, who I've never had the pleasure of meeting in person, told my friend that she had been living in the North End too long, and kept making references to "hippies" and "terrorists".

I don't want to go into the gritty details, but the catalyst was that this dude had the nerve to say that the Olympics were ok because "BC Natives supported [them]". If there's one thing I wont keep quiet over, it's the god damned Olympic games, and there was no fucking way I was going to let his bullshit slide. Long story short, we battled back and forth until he ended up deleting everything he wrote. I don't know what that means. Either I won, or he was the more mature person and decided to back out. While I would totally respect someone who decided to pull out of a pointless online battle, something tells me the kind of person who would say something like "I hear you can get high from just the smell of the hippies they're burning in Toronto" is not the kind of person who would be like "This is silly, I'm not fighting anymore".

In any case, I didn't actually start writing this post to brag about potentially having won a facebook fight (woohoo), I actually started writing this post to talk about a seemingly unimportant detail in the above anectdote: my friend joined an online group to support those who had been arrested in relation to the fire bombing of an Ottawa RBC.

What the HECK, people?!

Yes! Absolutely, those people need support. They are facing extremely serious charges (like terrorism! seriously!), and even if they weren't, the judicial system is designed to crush human beings and destroy them from all angles at once. They need money, because legal representation is extremely expensive (sometimes I feel like fighting a court battle is akin to playing Warhammer, all the really kickass pieces are way too expensive for everyone to be able to afford.), and they need to know that there are people in the world who believe in them and their cause, but do they really need a fucking FACEBOOK group?

Does that guy I shared a couple of classes with in junior high, or that girl I worked with at the NDP call center, really need to know that I'm totally down with the fact that someone blew up a bank? No. It doesn't do ANYONE any good. Maybe it would give me a sense of self satisfaction, showing off how damn radical I am, but it's so not worth it.

I know that I'm an enormous hypocrite. I do plan to phase out my usage of facebook over the summer, but the fact is that I continue to use it, and engage with it enough that I friggin' fight with people on it regarding very important issues in my life. There are hundreds of photos of me on there, they've learned how to advertise to me, and there is just way too much personal information floating around.

I think the first time I seriously balked at mt friend's transparency on the internet(facebook) was when all of a sudden, people were anouncing to the world that they were "attending" an "event" called "Steal From Work Day". I shit you not, people felt the need to alert to all their friends, their family, and the random acquaintances that they felt too polite to deny false friendships to, that there was one particular day in April where they would steal from their jobs. Dude, the internet is not PRIVATE, and bragging to the internet about intended theft is fucking STUPID!

So here's the hypocrisy rearing it's head again, as here I am, exposing myself to the internet, but somehow Facebook just seems so much worse. I feel like here I can muse about things like firebombing and shoplifting and various sketchy topics, but I don't feel quite as bad about it since I'm not putting a big stamp saying "I'm going to fuck up my job by commiting a crime!" next to 400 pictures of my face, my hometown, and my relationship status.

Seriously, my dear friends, stop posturing on Facebook about your fucking revolutionary exploits, and just fucking do it already. Don't "attend" stealing from work on one specific day. If that's how you want to bring the total destroy, then just do it and keep damn quiet about it, because the more you let your bosses and your aunts and your aunt's bosses know the heaty shit you're in to, the more difficult you're going to make things for yourself and for others.

So please. Support arrestees, fuck the pigs, steal from work, etcetera etcetera, but keep social networking the heck out of it.

And DON'T talk to me about the Olympics, I'm burnt out.

(Also, please note that I'm really not as angry as I may sound. I'm actually in a super-good mood today, but I guess sometimes passion and anger get confused with eachother?)

Curmudgeonly

2010-06-11T02:13:00.002-03:00

My house is so full of so many wonderful folks, so how come I'm being such a grump? I'm not even being a grump outwardly, I feel like I've been super accommodating and friendly and stoked, but inwardly I've been getting agitated.

I don't think I would change the company. Long lost and unexpected friends have shown up at our door and it fills my heart with so much happiness! My new room mates fit in so well (even though the only time I see one of them is when he's out the door, but at least each time we cross paths he's like "Hi Rosie, nice to see you! I'm going again, but we'll hang out really soon!" and I know he means it). One of our guests right now I was actually on the verge of...not really cutting off, but I sincerely felt he had no interest in being my friend, so I was ready to sever emotional ties. But we had a few good chats in Montreal (he helped me recover from the heat stroke I inflicted upon myself at a crust show) and the first thing he said to me when I saw him yesterday was "I drove from southern New Hampshire to see you!". He seems to be having a lot more fun in this city than he usually does. I'm comfortable saying our friendship is rekindled. Yes!

I think (and I know this is going to sound petty) I'm jealous that I'm the only one that hasn't been getting drunk over the last week. Isn't that ridiculous? What a thing to be bothered by! I decided back in Montreal that I would try this thing I'm calling "No Junk June". My rules were that I wouldn't be allowed to spend my money on beer or crappy food, because that's where all my busking money kept disappearing to. What's funny is that I hadn't planned on getting a job when I got back to Halifax (I'm a full time baker now for a local-ish shitty coffee shop!). I expected that I'd be busking hard core every single day so I could scrape by and maybe feed my cat (not true, she gets priority and eats more expensive food than I do. If only she could also survive off of pita). Instead, I now work 8 hours a day. I'm happy to be working again, since having absolutely no money was actually starting to become a problem. Visa has been harassing me, my cell phone got disconnected, we haven't had real coffee filters in months. I'm looking forward to having a regular pay cheque, especially after 4 months of unlearning how to spend money on frivolous shit.

The source of my minor irritation, I think, is that after working 8 hours a day with no break (did you know Nova Scotia has no labour law that regulates breaks? Or many labour laws at all?) I get home to a house full of people drinking beer. I love beer, but since my bank account is actually in the red right now and I made a promise to myself not to buy alcohol, I've been sober this whole week while the empties pile up around us. I don't know, maybe it's just an indication of my alcoholism that it makes me uncomfortable to be the sober one in the group, or maybe it's just because this week has been so stressful for everyone that I'm hyper sensitive and maybe my friends are just a little too wound up (I had to squash a friendly yet raucous fight happening in the kitchen last night). People are yelling at eachother, fist fights are popping up, people who are normally total non-smokers are smoking cigarettes, important things are getting ignored, it's just been a weird energy at home. I love everyone under this roof very dearly, I'm just feeling like I can't fit in with their games. The only thing I can think to attribute it to is the fact that I'm too broke to get growlered.

I've been using pretty creative means (in my opinion) to cope with my frustration/inability to get tanked. Yesterday was especially productive, as I hosted a meeting to discuss starting up an infoshop in Halifax, watched a bit of a documentary that, while really poorly done, made me want to build a tall bike SO BAD, and had the most epic dumpstering adventure ever.

I can't decide whether I need to just stick it out and get over the fact that my friends can afford to drink and I can't or whether I should just go busk the bar crowd tomorrow night and get like, a really good porter or wheat beer or something, have rowdy fun with the Roarphans, and let

things balance themselves out when I have money next week.

All I've managed to accomplish today is shutting myself in my room and deciding to clean it until 6:30 am when I plan on hitting up the food bank.

Bad sign?

In which I drop the silly title thing since I've realized I'm updating this thing too often and it's getting annoying. Sorry folx.

2010-06-07T19:15:00.002-03:00

So (how often do I start sentences with the word "so"? I can't really come up with an alternative!) I am super in love with my living situation right now. My punk rock apartment, The Orphanage, has always been super-rad, but lately it's really outdoing itself. We have two new room mates (one lives in a fort in the living room, the other lives in Ryley's closet) and a near constant supply of guests. Our kitties are adorable, our land lord is practically non-existent, and we live maybe 100 paces from the library in one direction, and a delicious brewery in the other. At the bottom of our street you can see the harbour (and it's wealth of naval vessels...) and at the top of our street is the North Common, which is pretty much what we have instead of a yard. The Orphans (or, Roarphans as we've started to call ourselves since 5 out of the 7 inhabitants now have names that start with "R") have a close relationship with the Commons, and we've spent many a sunny day lounging around on the grass, drinking well concealed and yet refreshing beer, playing "who's that skid?" and "laugh at the bro".

This morning, while having breakfast, I noticed a little green flier on the fridge about events happening on the Commons this summer.

I don't want to talk about the Kid Rock concert. Not even a little bit.

I also don't want to talk about the Relay for Life which just took place, although I honestly think they should re-name their event since I spent a very long time resenting them, thinking they were anti-abortion activists (turns out they raise money to fight cancer...).

The thing that really caught my attention was the Mawio'mi Grand Chief Membertou 400 Pow-Wow 2010 (the tag line is "A Culture to Celebrate, A Time to Share"). At first glance I was like "Oh cool! There's going to be a pow wow on the commons, I'm really glad!", then I read the description. Special event, blah blah blah, end of June, blah blah blah, marking the 400th anniversary of the baptism of Grand Chief Henri Membertou. Baptism, eh? I hope they don't mean what I think they mean....

THEY FUCKING DO! THEY MEAN BAPTIZED CATHOLIC!

Halifax, which was founded by genocidal maniac Edward Cornwallis (who actually put a bounty on the heads of the Mi'kmaq people) is hosting a pow wow to celebrate the first steps the European settlers took to wholly oppress and dominate the indigenous communities of Turtle Island. This is fucking backwards! Why aren't they having their big celebration in St. Mary's fucking Basilica? In a Catholic church?

The write up of the event says that Mebertou's baptism "signalled the Mi'kmaq's desire for peaceful relations with the European nations and helped shape the course of our country's history." So, from my perspective, this country was shaped rather well as here I am, sitting on Cornwallis street (yeah, named after the aforementioned grand asshole founder of this fair city) paying relatively low-rent and enjoying a life essentially free of hardships and oppression. Because I'm a descendant of those fucking European nations! Do you know how "our country" was shaped for the Mi'kmaq?

Genocide.

Residential schools (which were only officially apologized for 2 years ago).

The continued effort by the colonialists to wipe out any sort of indigenous culture or religion, and to white-wash everything and spread the plague of Christianity (and other infectious diseases).

Systematic oppression and racism.

Sub-standard living conditions (this is a total understatement, some canadian reserves don't have doctors or running water).

Cultural appropriation.

Aboriginal women are exponentially more likely to become victims of sexual assault, and aboriginal youth are growing up in a world that has been taught to belittle and abuse them, and many turn to substance abuse to cope.

Well bra-fucking-vo, Samuel de Champlain. What a delightful ball you got rolling there.

As I've mentioned several times, I'm a white kid. I have Scottish and English ancestry. I cannot speak of behalf of the Mi'kmaq community in Halifax. But I am seriously so fucking disgusted. I honestly do not understand how something like this could possibly go unchallenged.

If anyone has any insight, please let me know, cause right now this is just too baffling, and too upsetting.

In which Riot once again struggles to find balance, and is starting to consider this a theme

2010-05-22T20:40:00.002-03:00

I spend so much time every damned day completely wracked with guilt.

Sometimes it makes me feel physically ill that I am young, white, able-bodied, cisgendered, essentially heterosexual and from a middle-class family.

God damn. My privilege is staggering.

I truly and deeply wish to maintain constant awareness of my privilege, and do everything within my power to end oppression, and at the same time respect boundaries and make sure I don't step on any toes or anything. I really can't come up with the proper word I'm looking for here, but if I think of it I'll edit the post.

I want to be an ally.

How the fuck do I become a good ally?

In which Riot considers family relations

2010-05-20T08:50:00.004-03:00

A good friend of mine was over at my house last night, and just like most of the time we spend together, there was this overshadowing pressure in the air of "I have to get home, my parents are going to kill me."

Granted, this friend of mine is 17 (I think?), is still in high school, and lives at home with his parents, but seriously. Like, every night he's either getting angry calls from his mom or calling her every 20 minutes or so, reassuring her that he'll be home soon or pleading with her to understand that it's fucking pouring outside and his bike is broken.

We had a little talk about his relationship with his parents before his dad eventually came and picked him up. I must say, I've lived away from home long enough that I can't tell if his parents are actually oppressive, overbearing assholes or if he's just going through normal teenage resentment.

I had to keep stopping myself from saying things like "I'm sure they're just worried about you" and "They nag you because they care about you" and "You're growing up and they're terrified and don't know how to 'parent' except by enforcing rules.". I actually believe those statements, but I know that every time someone said something along those lines to me when I was in high school, I wanted to rip their fucking eyes out. How could anyone POSSIBLY understand what I was going through? My parents were evil tyrants and I HATED them and couldn't wait to grow up and get out of there.

These days I have an excellent relationship with my parents. I don't really know when it started, but it very well could be due to the fact that I don't live with them anymore. Also, I think at some point I stopped thinking of them as just "parents", and started to think of them as people as well. People that are flawed and pained and scared because being a parent is a BIG fucking responsibility. Since then I've been able to interact with my mother in a much simpler and pleasant way. We enjoy each other's company and long as we don't spend too much time together. Every now and then she'll make a comment about how the fact that I'm an anarchist "wounds" her or she'll burst into tears over the fact that I'm not "over that 'dread' thing" or that I don't...like...Canada. But I'll calmly explain my position and try to explain to her my lifestyle and point of view, and when that doesn't get me anywhere we'll watch some George Clooney movie and eat pizza and everything is just peachy.

Also, my dad is cool as dirt. He may be a 64 yr old New Democratic Albertan, but inside he's

punk as fuck and is going to bring the total destroy. (Wooo, go Jim go)

Even though over the years there has been many screaming matches, many tears, many slammed doors and broken hearts, I know that my parents are good people and they really love their kids and I think they've done a damn fine job on raising the 3 of us (we may all be fucking useless when it comes to financial independence but at least none of us want to be cops!)

I am definitely extremely lucky. I know there are horrible people out there that should not have kids, and I know all too well that most young people are not taken seriously enough. There is a good chance that my friend's parents are actually total jerks. This kid (and I totally use kid as a term of endearment, it really has nothing to do with his age. My friends pushing 30 are also "kids") is a super-talented musician. He plays fiddle, banjo, guitar, bass, has a good voice and recently picked up the mandolin. He plays in two super popular bands in our scene, but from what I can tell not only do his parents not support his musical endeavors, they're actively discouraging him! The only time they've heard his main musical project (part of 9+ piece folk punk super-cuties Buy Nothing Life) was this one time where they were on the local university radio station, and they didn't like it. Dude, I wasn't even IN a band when I was 17, but if my parents actually told me they didn't like what I was doing I would have been super fucking crushed.

There also seems to be an issue of his parents not liking the group of friends he has now. Granted, we do tend to get him rather drunk on occasion, but if I had met the group of friends I have now when I was in high school then I would have been saved a lot of grief and I honestly believe the support network I would have had would have prevented me from being in so many damaging relationships and experiencing such crippling depression.

I don't know if anything is really good enough for parents. You can never be home early enough, in bed early enough, and your friends are always going to be no good losers in the eyes of mom and dad. What I mean to say is that I don't think you can really change them. Some day they'll realize that their kid turned out fine and they can stop stressing (as much). The trick here is to make sure the child doesn't suffer too much damage before this happens.

I want to be supportive of my younger friends, but I'm afraid of appearing patronizing. I don't want to just blindly agree with them that their parents are in fact jerks and they should undermine them at every opportunity. I want to reassure them that it's just going to take time for their parents to realize that they're being productive and they're happy, but I don't know how to get that across without seeming insensitive. I'm sure I'll find a balance.

But you know deep down I just want to go over to his house and be all like "Hi! I'm 22, I drink a lot, I don't shave ANYTHING, I'm unemployed, I hate cops, I stink to high heaven and I TOTALLY kissed your son at a party.

BOO!"

In which Riot discusses food politics agh

2010-05-18T12:06:00.002-03:00

I'd say I'm a vegetarian. For all intents and purposes, I'm a vegetarian. This came about some 5 years ago when I was eating a chicken burger in the back yard of my then-partner's house in Fredericton. I simply realized that I didn't really enjoy meat (not to knock Beth's chicken burgers, it was pretty good as far as those things go) enough to justify supporting the industry. I decided that since I could live without meat, that I should.

So I did!

The transition to vegetarian was actually super easy, especially since my older sister had pretty much paved the way for me in our household. Shit, I already knew what the most delicious veggie burgers were.

After about a year of vegetarianism, I started to really think about my food politics. Ethical consumption became extremely important to me, and I started to consider veganism. It might have something to do with starting to attend a Buddhist school, but compassion and non-violence took center stage.

Also I TOTALLY got a crush on the CUTEST vegan boy. He gave me dreads, I went vegan, it was beautiful.

No really! We had a total blast, and having this relationship with him that developed out of our similar interests in food was very healthy for me.

When I met Alex, I was at my lowest weight and was at the height of my anorexia. I was terrified of food. I would be halfway through microwaving an organic black bean burrito and I'd panic and through it in the garbage.

Going vegan meant I couldn't rely on my staple ED foods. When I used to be able to get by on a cup of weird diet yogurt, I suddenly had to be more creative. Luckily, instead of finding other ways to support my disorder, I started to become more comfortable with food. Maybe this was because I was totally in love and was feeling more comfortable with my body? In any case, once I turned vegan I started to eat again.

Uh, we ate so much. God damn.

After a while of extravagant vegan eats, Alex and I realized that we couldn't really afford to keep up our lifestyle. Neither of us were making that much money, so we started dumpstering and stopped scrutinizing our food.

There were a few times where I toyed with the idea of going vegan again, but I never committed to it. I still bake things mostly vegan, because those are the cook books I have and I find it a lot easier.

Recently, however, I've been doing some re-evaluating. Yes, ultimately, I would love to be a vegan. I would absolutely love to be able to sustain myself without causing any pain or death or suffering to any other living thing, but that's just not realistic. At least not for me, and at least right now.

My main issue here is with soy. All these people who are so blinded by their love for nature and animals and the planet are swearing off flesh...by eating a genetically modified mono-crop that is thickly wrapped in plastic and sold at high prices by a company that is proud to support the Olympic Games (fuck you, Yves). It's just fucking backwards.

Soy products are bad for the environment, they're bad for our bodies, and way too many people are relying on them as substitution for their meat and dairy. It's unbalanced and unsustainable.

My problem is that I don't have the resources or the time to spend on acquiring and preparing healthy, local, organic vegan food. I get up at 6am every 3 weeks so I can go to the food bank and I take whatever I can get. I still don't eat meat, but I've had fish (locally caught, from the farmer's market) in the last few months because I can't access the alternatives I need to have decent levels of protein and good oils.

I don't want to eat the flesh of another being, and I don't want to use it's milk if it had to suffer for me to get it, but I also can't justify the destruction of forests and grasslands for the sake of a GMO. I also never really shook that fucking ED so that gets weighed in frequently when I'm making decisions about food (I could write an entire post on artificial sweeteners, but I wont).

I'm really fucked up over this, and I know I'll get it right eventually. I just need to make a game plan for myself and then work towards it. I had a job interview today at a grocery store's deli counter. My job would be to make fruit trays. Maybe a step in the right direction?