In which Riot makes no excuses whatsoever for her online absense

I am really fucking tired.
Like, I'm so tired that I've been sitting in front of the computer in my mother's office since 10am because I can't work up the drive to walk the 20 minutes home. I've got the now empty carafe of coffee sitting in front of me, the only proof that I've consumed caffeine today because I sure as hell can't feel it.
It's my day off, so one would think my natural solution would be to take a fucking nap already, right? Sleep is the best cure for exhaustion. But have I ever mentioned that I hate sleep?

OK, that's a lie. I don't hate sleep. It feels good, and laying around in bed (especially on a sunny morning) is really wonderful. I just can't seem to convince myself that getting myself into bed for sleep is a good idea.
I really hate waiting to fall asleep. I've always had this uneasiness with the thought of losing consciousness and control over my mind, which I credit for how long it took me to try drugs/alcohol even though I was totally surrounded by it.
It's the waiting for sleep to come that creeps me out. Not only do I have no idea when I'll finally fall asleep, but I can never stop thinking about all the shit I could be doing! If I could just use that extra 20 minutes or so to finish sewing a patch or binding a book or playing with the kitten, and then fall asleep instantly it would totally work for me.
But I can't, so I end up sewing patches and binding books and playing with the kitten and talking to friends and writing songs and just sitting around longing until 3 or 4 in the morning, then drag myself to bed and try not to think about what kind of dreams I'll be having.

The upside is that since I can't sleep in, I'm so under-rested that I don't think I even have any dreams.