In which Riot explores an eating disorder and how to gain control of the reins

Black coffee, vegetables cooked in water, the white of one egg, a veggie dog.
My self-deprecation manifests itself in ways that are so familiar to me. I get fed up with myself, and go about making what would appear to be healthy choices, but underneath it all it's the same game of numbers and numbness.
I start wearing long, flowing skirts. Not because I've finally decided to act my gender, but because jeans are too telling, and fuck if the ones I own even fit me right now.
Your average human improves upon itself in the summer. They become fit through activity, energy, low appetite. For me, the summer is a time of indulgence and apathy. I get lost in the world around me, and by the time I finally start to look back at myself I am sorely disappointed by what I've been reduced to.
The winter months are where I get my act together. I don't have blue skies to gaze into, I only have myself. My four walls bounce my attentions back on me, and I can't hide.
What the fuck good does it do me to be thin in the winter? When I'm covered in sweaters and blankets and locked away from everyone? It's an unfortunate cycle, and for some reason I feel that this final realization and recognition of this pattern will do me absolutely no good.
Of course, it's not like I want to stop the cycle, I just want to shift it around. Maybe I'll actually accomplish it this time. Maybe I'll finally get a grasp on myself.
I've been thinking a lot about self-exploration, understanding, and expression. I tend to ignore my own being and become absorbed in others. Cory is a perfect example of this. I'm so infatuated with him, that he completely occupies my thoughts. I think about his hair, his skin, his figure. Why would I want to think about myself when I could think about someone so wonderful?
For the past while, I've considered myself to have a much healthier outlook on life, but what if I'm completely wrong, and I've just been stewing in my own ignorance once again?
Cory is definitely the best thing to happen in my life in a long time. I've never been so understood, so respected, and able to communicate so freely. Maybe I've been taking this wonderful new energy for granted, and I've been using it the wrong way for the last 2 months.
Not that I want to use him, but I feel like he could really help me, if I knew how to be helped.
My biggest problem is that at this point, I'm not willing to sacrifice losing weight, and I don't know if I'll ever be healthy if that's the case.
Is it ever going to be possible for me to be healthy and happy at the same time? My optimistic tendencies say yes, but I feel like my body and my mind know better than to be fooled by such sanguinity.